A reflection of 2011

The end of 2011 is approaching, yet at the same time, the start of 2012 is arriving too.

This year (2011) has been a year full of emotions. Happy, mania, anxiety, worried, troubled, depressed, excitment..A year that I longed to be loved, longed to be with him, excitied about every meeting with him in an event or gathering. A year full of him, and just him alone. Right up till now, I'm still missing him a lot.. Just watched the skit we acted in YC'08, hearing him singing "And I thank you Lord". When I felt that I don't love him or don't feel bad when I don't miss or even think about him, I felt relieved. Because for many many months, or since I ever had a feeling for him, I was worried, and want this feeling to be get rid of soon. I was worried to end up like what I am now..jealous, covet, selfish ambitions etc. All has shown up this year at its peak. I've experienced so much pain, and for the thousands tears I've shed, I'm sorry. I've failed.

I wasn't expecting anytime great next year because it's going to really challenging..And I'm quite worried that I'm so poor, so slow and so unprepared. Why? I'm worried that I couldn't get into uni. I was thinking about signing on, going to army so that they can sponsor my uni education. I was also worried about my part-time or full-time job..whether to be a pharm tech or go IMCB to look out for any job vacancies. My finance are going to be really tied. And up till now, I'm worried that when he's back next year, I could hardly see him around. THIS IS MY BIGGEST WORRY AMONG THE WORRIES.

Any new year resolution? I wished for the flesh to be strong, spirit to be strong, no devil's voice, being a perfect child of God. Be a healthy babe with no tummy, less bulky thighs, and more boobs. :P I want a good health with a good looking body shape. At least when I wear clothes, it will fit perfectly. :)

Any steps or plans? I wish I can talk to God more and hear what He have to say about my life and my future. I wish I can have an evening jog everyday. Hopefully, there won't be rain when im running or before running.

Wishing all the best for next year! :) Wishing all the best for you readers too! :)

BYE READERS :]

beat my score

love bejewel-ing :D:D

ARGH!!!!

If fb was a person, I'm so gonna kill it. He replied like 5 minutes after my post and I didn't see it when I refreshed the page. and he's like offline?!?!?!?!?!?!??!! oh nevermind, at least I get to see his reply! and I'M SO GLAD HE REPLIED SOON AFTER MY POST! :DDD loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3

disappointed, anxious, worried, hopes down

These emotions can be felt when I'd pinned so much hope that he'd reply and we'll have a fruitful chat and for the past 22 minutes, there's still not a single response.

I start to wonder, if it was the girl that he used to like, will he ignore her convo...pretending not to see it?? I felt insignificant again. :( Wad am I thinking mann, okay, study. ignore him.

I have so much to say

Dear readers

I was really touched by my dad. After he heard that I havent had chilli crab for so long, he went to buy the crabs and my mom cooked them! The crabs were really fresh and I just felt that it's super heart warming. Such a warm and lovely parents I have..

I couldn't help but to praise my parents at that point of time :) 24/11/2011 - Remember this day. The smiles, the jokes, the crazy laughter...lazy talk...all together with the family :) what a heart warming day..

Somehow during the week, I finally convinced myself to muster up the courage to talk to him..
But everytime I see him online, I always have this thought in my mind: "is this the best time to talk to him? What if he's busy or I disturb him?" So ended up didn't talk to him..

Just like today..I had this thought when I see him online. And true enough, he offline pretty soon after I click on his conversation.. So agn, I didn't get to talk to him...

I have got so many to say...so many things to ask...so many things that I wanted to know..but well, I always didn't get the chance. I felt that emailing him is too formal...so he might suspect something..anw, I didn't even email my other overseas friends :/ so wad's more he's a guy..

I wanted to let you know...
The troubles that I face day to day..(gaining weight such that my tummy is bigger den my boob and my friend also called ben said this to me, "SHOW ME!" and I went, "hahahhahaa NO WAY!"
The funny things that pops out during these two months. (pigeon came in my house, my butt got touched by someone during YP games session: dog and bone)
That questions that I have in my mind (like how's berlin and school, friends, any nice FOOD and managed to find a church? have you tried ben's cookie? haha. Wanna see ur haircut.)
I wanna see u face to face (please webcam with me)

But it never happened this two months...

Rather the things that happened these two months was...
just thinking about the times that I had so much fun when you were there with me.
words that cracked me up, smiles that lift me up :) I love those expression when u found me so crazily weird. But do you know, you make me crazier, crazier. Feels like I'm falling and I'm lost in your eyes.. I really really miss you. Oh! you're online now! :D Issit cause u managed to feel what my heart is feeling now, so u appeared (online)?

BYE READERS!

Family ties

I went to find a list of phrases to describe an annoying person and I found this phrase best, "There's nothing more boring than listening to people who talk merely to hear the sound of their own voice". This is exactly what I'll do when someone scolds me a fucker. Believe it a not, that's my sis who scolds me this.

I wondered, why she wanna scold me a fucker? Does she wanna be a fucker's sister?
Well anw, I'll just treat it as a useless talk when she says nasty things about me.

I feel that siblings should have a close relationship. In fact, MANY (OR TONs) of my friends around me...they don't share a close relationship with their siblings which I think is really SAD.
Seriously...The problem is that when we know each other so well, we couldn't care about each other's feelings, having a higher expectations of our siblings, and in the end, we just try to avoid any convo with each other so that we won't have any unnecessary arguments or fights.

I feel that we all should feel each other's position, be it whether you're the eldest or younger or youngest in the family and hence treat our siblings nicely too, like how we treat our friends...Think about what is their first reaction before trying to put across anything nasty. There should be more concern and more bonding between siblings. I don't see why is there not a need to. If people in the family can get along so well, it makes the house so filled with warmth and happiness..creating memories...because for one thing, we won't get to live with our siblings forever. They would most likely be married and have their own house. So why not do it? Care more about ur siblings and when they have any troubles, they'll seek ur help..or have a shoulder to cry on. So next time, when things suddenly happened, they would be the one who's the nearest to you, lending you a shoulder to cry on. And of course, way more than that.

All this time, I always wanted someone who can understand me best. My cues, the way I speak, the tone...Well, I do have friends like that..but somehow, we're all very physical far from each other.. :(

It'll be great if my great friends were in my school with me everyday, stay near my house so that we can play with each other. Sighs..

Anw, I know that I'm asking too much.. wish I could be a little more contented.

come back soon

I was totally disappointed with the options I left if I were to graduate from RP now. Apparently I should have taken a look at the number of schools in singapore that offer pharmacy course and that I can graduate from that uni with a cert that Singapore's pharmacy recognises. So, after checking it out, there's only one option, NUS pharmacy. AND THAT'S A TOTAL IMPOSSIBLE SCHOOL TO ENTER. Not only with my gpa thats less than 3.5 now, but also it's COMPEITIVE ENTRY. I can stop dreaming of going there cos many who wants to pursue doctor (medicine) ended up pursuing in pharmacy. and mind you...all those peeps that I'm talking about are those that have As in their A level cert. So it definitely beats all other poly students. In order to do so, I have to go overseas for 4 years to get that cert. :( AND IT'S SO EXPENSIVE! I might as well go buy a 3 room flat and stay happily ever after. I'm not joking, it's SGD$123,000++ and what about living expenses? (I may need another SGD$30,000++) It's soooooo DISAPPOINTING. I really don't wanna spend my life being in debt because of overseas studiesss.

The other option, is to pursue other courses. Music could be another option..cos I got distinction for gr 8 and quite a fair grade for music Os. But, I really don't really have that passion as compared to pharmacy. I wanna compound drugs and feel really professional, helping others. But now, it's really really disappointing.

I don't know what I'll choose...but well, I've decided to look for a pharm tech job after my diploma. Don't know how long I'd stay, but if I ever get promoted in 3 years time, I will say bye to uni.

more den a month of silence

I need your words...and found them so inspiring..
"God really showed me how important trusting in Him was."
Such sharing from his blog really prompts me to look at my relationship with God....I'm too ashamed to face God...I'm not worthy to be love by the man I love..He loves God so deeply...and as for me...It's another way round.

*Cries*

I still see you in my dream...dream guy

Dear readers

A lot of things have been going through my mind...
But one thing that I was most worried about is my childhood friend who seems to be so distant..and I'm kinda afraid to lose the close bonding that I have with her... I get pretty upset by her coldness which I can feel it and I get disappointed or rather hurt when I see her faceless expression.. It's just not right... Stupid uni...make so many people stress until have sucidal thoughts and/or depressed and/or sians. So many peeps around me are those victims..I really hope time will fly and they can quickly enjoy life without worrying about the tons of things to read, to work on, to think on and to do the next day. It really sucks to see the tortured looks from my peeps.

I wonder how is she likee...and how things are like for her.

Anyway, back to him...I dreamt often about him and have been imagining if only I could sing well, I will sing songs of confession to him..I felt that dropping hints that way is cool and perhaps he might even show more interest to me because I have such a power voice with such power emotions.. But that's only if I have those power voice...which is impossiblee..

Ah well..I had a BIG EYE CANDY...some guy from my sch. He looks decent..and fair...and cute...but pretty much different from ben. He's a very kind and helpful guy and I like to have causal conversations with him...just feel pretty comfortable being myself and expressing myself..and the best thing is that I don't feel nervy at all! I always get to see him on wed and I keep on thinking back on the wed morning..where I bumped to him outside the lab and he's just walking past me and looked into my eyes quickly. I'm kinda excited to see him in school..if I don't see him on wed, I think I'll get really disappointed. But well...he's just an eye candy.. :) Gosh..I better not fall in love because I'm lonely mann..

what is the true meaning of missing someone?

Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you have seen them or the amount of time since u've talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing that they were right there by your side..

I've been missing you a lot...even before you leave..

when there's feelings, things will be complicated.

dear HEART..please don't fall in love because I'm lonely..prepare to be ready and stay strong..this is all I am asking of myself.

I won't ask this to you..but I'd rather give my wounded heart and broken toys to Him

I've been hurt...

this is what I have been doing...waiting for you..and you are..

I will never know what is being strong like...until..

Ya..why do I feel this way?

Painful jokes

Should I smile because we're friends or cry because that's all we'll ever be?

You know I haven't seen you awhile

I wasn't desperate..
In fact if everyday was a that saturday, it will be just fine. I could feel loneliness and being so distance from you. Even when you're around, I don't talk to you. Just because I don't talk to you, doesn't mean that I don't love you. I have to stay at a distance because I know I can't have you..

I miss you a lot today. I was focusing my eyes on the newsletter (sep-oct) issue. And I simply love those pictures :)

anw, saturday was a BUMping session.
I saw ksoon at the bustop, rp friend which is jason at the mrt and jer jee while I was walking home. I get to talk a lot and shared a lot yeah. Anw, I guess I get to BUMp to alot of pple because I have a BIG BUM. hahaaa! all thanks to chicken.

Well, sunday..which is today...I spent almost my whole day sms-ing pple talking about really random stuffs like telling nick kan that fried chicken wings are therapeutic and he told me when he's sad, he'll emo one corner and start eating chicken.. and to jonlee, I was talking about my piano stuff as usual. Oh! He said that he likes my yellow dress! I love my yellow dress too! :D
And to yin san, I msged her just one word, "Hi". and she's like why so random?! And I said," OH YESSS! I'VE SENT YOU THE SHORTEST MESSAGE EVER!" and she was like, "ARE YOU ON CHICKEN OR SOMETHING?!" Well, to magg, I've said, "So have you managed to clear your bowels? (this is a serious question). If you haven't done it, don't worry. because I haven't cleared mine." And she's like CRAZIEEE GIRL! To jer jee, I've continued our conversation from last night and I started to talk about BUM agn and I said why are we talking about BUM? can we change to buns instead? And he replied, "Oh yes! about buns, they are nice to eat!" I wanted to laugh so badly but I can't cos I was at a wake.

hahaha! well, I love responses. Cheering others up = cheering myself up too. VERY THERAPEUTIC. but I don't actually cheer people up just for myself all the times, but it's just MOST OF THE TIME. :)

sighs. I JUST WANNA HEAR SOMETHING FROM YOU..REALLY FEEL LIKE TELLING YOU THAT I've dreamt that u've got kidnap. and I felt really really happy to see you fine and getting online. LOVEE YOU STILL PRETTY A LOT.

As I was walking

As I was walking and shopping at IKEA, all my mind was thinking about this..
1) If only I have the money...
2) If only you and I are together...

I couldn't stop missing u afterwards.
I boarded the same bus as his mum..His mum doesn't know me...so we didn't speak. Just that it kinda felt really strange and distance when I was talking to seowfei and kitsoon and she was just standing there..all quiet.

mmm...why should I be so nervy? Relaxxxxx and chillllllllllllllll

ANNOYYYYYINGGGG

YOUR SLOWNESS TO RESPOND JUST ANNOYED ME.
And true enough, u've ignored what I've commented.

*annoying fella*

LOVE WEEKENDS

This weekend was well enjoyed by meee!
It's much more fun with people hanging around you :)

I felt that I wasn't lonely today. There's a group of friends to have lunch with me, play monopoly deal, to watch movie and yinsan to pei me to gospel service. :) I don't have to camp in church and slp in that tiny kid's room alone.

Though I'm really tired due to deprived of sleep, but my emotional state was lifted up..so much so that I've loadds of energy to keep going on.

I really hope that my weekends will be well enjoyed...every moment will be less lonely...
I felt really relax without having to worry whether he's around to look at my actions and behaviour. And I don't have to keep on frantically looking everywhere for him to make sure he's still there that kinda thing.

Truly, I felt really blessed despite of the sinful things that I've been dong. I know I really have to stop thinking about him and focus on God. Because God is the only one which can provide and grant me special joy and blessings to enjoy :) Thank you God for the blessings that I've received. I don't deserve it, but You've really shown kindness and grace to me. :) I felt really happy with friends around me :) Surely this is one of the weekends which I'll rmb in my heart. Brightening and relaxed.

I prolly have already given up in waiting for ben unknowingly...if my heart unknowingly forgets about him, I'd not regret. Rather, I'd really feel happy about that. Because I don't have to suffer from un-reciprocrated love! :)

I really feel like talking to you know...wanna ask when u starting sch and all...
but I feel that u prolly wouldn't like to talk to me...or find me disturbing..
Don't know why my heart thinks of you this way...perharps things are getting really colder..
and so do my heart. it'll eventually be solidified to ice.

6 days of absence, 6 days worth of feelings

Hi readers,

This is a month full of happenings...
Experienced sweetness, warmth yet and the same time experienced bitterness, anguish..as though there was a lost of life.

Certainly, even though it was just an animal, but the ones that brought happiness to the house so much can never be forgotten. I'm sure a lot of you might be wondering what was I referring to..it's none than the sparrow called xiaoya.

Although I have never give an account of xiaoya in this blog, but the stories of xiaoya were mentioned among my friends. The stories of xiaoya eating durian, sleeping on my hand, telling about the food he eat, pecking on my hand until it bleeds, thinking that xiaoya was a mynah but it turns out to be a sparrow, flying to me when I called "ji ji ji" once I reached home, flying out of the house twice and my parents managed to find and get it back and of cos, how I've felt about that special bird.

Xiaoya was indeed a bird that brought so much happiness to the house through the good and bad times and he was like part of the family. A baby. Watching it growing up to be a grown up sparrow was truly a joy. This bird was friendly to strangers, allow them to gently stroke on him, feed him and even dares to sleep on a human's hand. I can never forget that he has such a warm body and I carried him to sleep with me. When xiaoya woke up from sleep, the first thing he will do is to stretch it's leg, den both it's wings and position himself to poop. So I always hurried myself to make xiaoya to stand on my fingers so that it can poop and drop on the floor or newspaper. :) Truly, Xiaoya is a bird that no other birds can replace him.

Xiaoya isn't a bird who doesn't fear anything. It fears darkness and BIG objects. So whenever we carry objects like bags with us, xiaoya quickly flew away to the high places like the curtains and clocks! :x

Xiaoya was a lonely bird...having no friends to play with him. But he still tries to make the effort to show us that he needed attention and love. So he plays with us, flying from hand to hand..cleaning it's beak on our hands, tidying up it's feathers on our hands, even pooped on our hands too :S

But somehow, I think that xiaoya is an attractive bird. It attracts other sparrows to fly into the house. Several times, I caught xiaoya flying with the sparrow and I keep calling "ji ji ji" and it flew back to the house agn.

However this time round, due to my carelessness and being soporific, xiaoya flew out of the house without me knowing. My mum was really upset and disappointed with me. And thus, I was known as useless the whole day.. This happened just before my birthday..
I couldn't believe and I went on shaking the beams, but xiaoya didn't come out. I was so worried.
I didn't get the anguish feeling yet until xiaoya was missing till night time. It broke and sours my heart to see my mum looking for xiaoya desperately, going up and down the stairs, and everywhere in the neighbourhood and kept calling, "ji ji ji!" It was worse that I saw her tears and worried face. She was depressed. She doesn't even feeling like going out nowadays..

However this incident does not kept me away from thinking of ben. I kept on waiting for his wishes to wish me happy birthday on facebook..it didn't happened. Not this yr, not last yr, not last last yr, not last last last yr.. I told myself to look forward to next yr..but I think it'll not likely happen that he'll wish me too..such simple words...I don't even deserve to receive it from him...

Argh well, although he's the major cause of my pain and depression, I don't intent to let this pain continue to pierce through my heart. I just hope that it stops right now..I'm just disappointed that he didn't even thought of me even during my birthday. The best remedy for now is that he'd think about me and lemme know that..or just a simple happy belated bdae wld be fine..

But it's okay..he's not a close friend or even a friend that I'd go to comfortably. Probably this is a sign that we're not meant to be..and my feelings are meant to be gone for good. just dunnoe why even with this in mind, i still keep on fixing my eyes on him.

My mind kept on going back to the night before he left...I keep on wandering whether he has received my msg to him before he left. My heart tells me that he did and didn't care to reply. My mind tells me that he didn't because I saw a picture of another phone in his fb pic with mor. Prolly he changed his number too.... Even had a nightmare on that night... well, I kept regretting in my heart that I didn't send him off..Just hate that scene...I'd prolly cry..I'd prolly be caught up in jealousy agn..seeing how he and his (ex)dreamgirl taking pics together and talking...I'd prolly be left out somewhere because he got so many people to talk to...and I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't be standing there to talk to me. Because even at his farewell gathering, he didn't approach me to talk about stuff..what's more when there's his (ex)dreamgirl around and other close friends? I'm just an extra..

Hate to be in this way but what else can I do but to tolerate...

Even though some things are not working out or going the way I wanted, but how often I hold on to it so tightly for the fact that I don't wanna lose it. But here's the point that I've realised that the more I cling to it, the more I find myself losing it. I've realised this fact for a long time...the time where I've decided to let go..how often I'm finding myself still holding tightly to it...I'm still unable to persuade myself to let go..and now...I'm finally losing it all...Such a consequence to bear..such grief..such misery...where's all my relationship with God? it's tarnished...ruin... I gained nothing..not even ben.

Bye readers

still feeling pissed? not anymore! :D

I just need to know that u're happy and safe.
When u're happy, I'm happy too.

torn

it seems like she's got everything that I've to live without.

there're moments...

Dear (ben)

There are moments in my life where I'm wonder-strucked, blushing all the way home..esp the time you supported me with ur hands when I almost fell to the ground.

There are moments in my life that I couldn't stop thinking about you.. So I went on the ur page, clicked onto the picture of you, and freeze it on my phone.

There are moments in my life that I've the urge to see you, screaming in my heart, "I NEED YOU NOW!"

But there're also moments in my life that the pain was so great, that I felt numbed to those feelings.

There are moments in my life where the pain was killing me when we're not speaking, or when I purposed my heart to stay away from you.

There are moments in my life I hope that you unknowingly figure out that you're significant to me.

There are moments in my life that I can't breathe when u held my wrist during a game.

There are moments in my life that I've always wanted to say, "I love you, superman. You're everything that I wanted."

There are moments in my life that I keep saying this in my heart, "Please don't be in love with someone else, please don't let me wait on you. Come back, and I'll be with you someday."

These are the words that I've held back until I see you again..or prolly even not when I see you again..

Whatever it is, agony arises when no miracles happened during these few months...and even before you left, you did not reply back my message. I was waiting the whole day, so much so that I even had a nightmare. The pain of insignificance starts to pierce right through my heart..

Welling up tears in my tears I said this, "am I really nothing to you?" The question of insignificance has never been answered, and it will never be..and I'll never know. It's a mystery...

Whatever the outcome might be, I know that I've truly been in love with you. And I love you so, even though it has never been recipocrated.

With lots of love, your secret admirer, the scariest person in ur life
Shi Ting

Troubled

Gosh, it's so troubling.

He's leaving in 28 days. And it's not like I can see him everyday. :(
I'd really miss him so much. I mean seriously. My mind is so troubled. So So troubled. I keep telling myself see now, I can feel relax, so try to feel relax. But now, I can't do it..
I'm in AGONY now. It's such a pain.. I can't express it out to him. There's nothing else that I can do I think. It's all too late.

I tried to comfort myself about the memories and times spent together. But, my soul just craves for more. I wanted him to stay near me and hear him talking.

I have no mood to study for exams now. I'm freaking out.
Gosh, I'm so troubled. I am really troubled..

Just quotes to ponder

See the beauty in the ordinary

Our life is what our thoughts make it- Catherine of Siena

Failure is not the same as defeat.
Things in the past, are dead and gone.
Leave them behind, then just move on.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, Today is God's gift to me, to make it all that it can be.

The unsinkable optimism (p58)- Your living is determinded not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens- John Homer Miller.

p65: Enjoy life to the fullest, and be constantly aware that all comes from His hand.

I ask God for all things I could enjoy life. He gave me life so I could enjoy all things.

What is freedom?
Freedom means I have been set free to become all that God wants me to be, to achieve all that Gods wants me to achieve, to enjoy all that God wants me to enjoy
-Warren Wiersbe

What to read when I feel insignificant
You aren't an accident. You weren't mass-produced. You aren't an assembly-line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on this earth by the Master Craftsman- Max Lucado

Ephesians 2:10 - For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Let not one say we are worthless. God is not a foolish speculator; He would never invest worthless property- Erwin v. Lutzer

Things to Pray for myself
Ask God to bring all that is excellent in you.
Let Him shape you with faithfulness, honor and integrity. Be aware of how He adds these finishing touches in a way that will give glory to Him and satisfaction and meaning for you.

Be ready to radiate from the inside out. Outward change will be perceptible but subtle - a sparkle in the eye, a tilt of the head, a lilt to the walk - but you'll know the inward change makes the difference.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things that are unseen; Happiness
Of all classes and descriptions of persons on this earth, they are the happiest of whom it may be siad that the things most hoped for by them are the things not seen - Mennonite Writings.

There is nothing you can do to make God love you more or less. His love is unconditional, impartial, everlasting, infinite, perfect. God is love

Time to let it go (Managing Anger)
Endeavor to be always patient of the faults and imperfections of others; for you have many faults and imperfections of your own that require forbearance. If you are not able to make yourself that which you wishest, how can you expect to mold another in conformity to your will?

I don't bother

Hey readers!

One of the gross things that happened was that my parents actually asked me to smell their fart.
Mum: TING AHHH! come into the room NOW!!
I tot I did something bad or that my mum is asking me to do massage for her again.
Mum: What do you smell? Is the room smelly?
Me: Of cos not. It smells.....mmmm...like food? U all have eaten something nice here issit? What did you all ate just now?
Dad was laughing from the moment I walked into the room and smelling the room. He burst out and said this, "REALLY NOT SMELLY MEHH??"
Me: Really not smelly lah. Why u all keep on asking me. *annoyed + glares*
Mum revealed to me that both dad and her farted and dad claimed that mum's fart was smelly but mum claimed that she didn't. And when I heard what they said...
I TOTALLY ROLLED MY EYES AND WALK OUT OF THE ROOM, COUGHING LIKE I'VE CHOKED ON A FISHBONE.

look at that like seriously.

Anyway, So many things are going through my head..after what he has shared his life.
I was sooo glad that he didn't ask me to use one word to describe him in front of everybody. When he asked everyone in the room to think of one word to describe him, immediately the word charming pops out of nowhere. GOSH! IMAGINE I SAID THAT TO EVERYO

NE IT'S GONNA BE A BIG BIG WHOAAAA!
Anyway, today's workshop was funny to the max. Titus as usual, wrote something really =.= during the guessing who game. Seriously mag has the I-don't-bother face. But she's not what her face looks like. She's really someone who's concerned with her friends. :) Whoa whoa, why am I talking about her?

Oh well, I'm thinking about what he has said just now and I can't remember. It's something that I want to do and think about. :( Gosh, thats sadness. How can not recall about that?! :( I think I can only remember what he has emphasises (like about....) OH NOW I'VE REMEMBERD!

He says that in life, things aren't smooth going even after becoming a Christian. You just have to keep talking to God. Yes yes yes, I want to keep talking to God. :) Shouldn't be upset about how things doesn't go according to what I wanted it to happen, but instead, tell these troubles to God.
God is not a god whose out there, who doesn't even care. But if He sees a need for me to have company, then by His grace and because He loves me, is will provide. :)

Yeah, bye readers :)

I haven't written such a crazy thing for a long time

Hey readers

Today's rj question is: if you are invisible for one day, what would you do?

I like what I've written down and I'm going to share with you all :) hahahhaa

hahaha! I think when my faccy reads this, she might be thinking that is another girl who write this. :p

That's all folks!!

In short

Giving up doesn't always mean that u're weak. Sometimes, it just mean that you're strong enough to let go. - Taylor Swift

Basically, this pic on the right is quite interesting.

Because so many people let go of their love, that's why love is in the air! hahahaha :)

Distorted. Full of lies

Hey readers

Apparently I felt so cheated by my own sis. I can't believe that all the while she's not a child of God. I tried to convince myself that she's not. But I really can't believe. She said she's not a genuine believer and in fact she doubted a lot of things that the scriptures says.

After all the heart-to-heart talk...here's the questions that she asked along (very thought-provoking):

1. Since none could explain how God can exist by Himself, why then believe that He existed?
2. and Since God can be existed by Himself, Man can likewise be self-existing. Why then think so much about who created the world and human? The world can exist by itself then.
3. What if there's no life after death and human can just disappear from this Earth.
4. What if there's no heaven or hell?

She claims that she attempted suscide cause she thinks that death is the best way to escape. She can just disappear from the world. It is just that it'll be painful for her love ones to take it.
She claims that love isn't everything. Hapiness is what she seeks.
She also claims that she has a rebellious character and she hates to follow God's command because she doesn't like to be changed by Someone.
She claims that each of us in the family is holding her back to pursue her hapiness.

I felt so unprepared when she questions and starts to claims these awful things. I can't imagine that she can pretend and acted godly throughout her past years in church. She did most of the things because she wanted to follow her crush's footsteps and not God's. I really doubt whether she has ever loves God. But actually, after much reflection, I felt that she had done something out of love and obeys God. She spread gospel to her close friend and when she tried to convinced God that only Jesus is the only way and what Jesus has done, she cried. How can all this then be a lie? It's so contradicting.

Right now, I can only be a blessing to her and don't give her any headaches. I know that God answers prayer and He alone can save her. I can't do it myself. All I ask for is my sis to be changed and know that hapiness isn't everything. It doesn't last as it makes a person pursue after it again and again. It's an endless pursuit and it's tiring pursuing that. So it doesn't brings an eternal sastifaction to anyone. Hapiness isn't eternal. It's different from joy peace and love. It doesn't bring contentment after you have achieved hapiness. You have to have true peace, LOVE and contentment to sastify the hunger of the soul. This peace is given by God and it's peace with God that brings about a calm and peaceful life. With Him, even if I have nothing in this world, I don't have to worry. He alone can provide.

I don't understand why my sis chose not to believe what she have believed before. Perhaps it's the questions that other non christians posted to her. So she doesn't have any answers to it and hence she chose to follow their ideas. Perhaps this is the evil one who's implanting the thoughts to her when she starts to reflect about life at the time she's going through all the sufferings and pain.

I just hope that one day, she'd realized that what the Bible says is true. God can provide and give what the world can't. Only one life will soon be passed. But only what's done for God will truly last.

Bye readers

It's not an illusion

My heart will let go your name.
These words I've held long, but I'll never mention them again.

Hey readers

There seems to be a lot of things to attend and fun events to go to.
There's a lot of chance to interact with him and to know him better.
But most of the time, I'm spending my time with others and having fun with them.
I don't know why, but I think I'm a boring girl....

Anyway, I'm not that hesistant in letting go... Sometimes I felt life is so funny. When I miss him like madness, nothing or no interactions happens.

But when I stop thinking about this in my head,
Please don't be in love with someone else,
Please don't have somebody waiting on you...

there're a lot of things worth thinking about,
Moments to be cherished, and remembered.

It's good that I start to feel numb now. At least it's less hurtful and save lotsa mental energy missing him.

Goodnight.

Still trying to fill that void with something?

Hey readers

I still get stubborn and really nasty! :O
I know exactly what I should fill that void with and I could get it if I would commit myself to the Lord. But here, I'm still long after that. IT'S SOOO LONG ALREADY. c'mon! It's really impossible when I think about the way he says things to me.

But I duno why even my heartaches, I still fall in love with him again and again.
I duno how am I suppose to achieve peace without contentment. U tell me how. tell me..

Oh well, It's so hard to get me started to devote my life to God. It's just so hard to be someone that I wanted to be in the back of my mind. I hope this desire will outgrow the eartly desire that I have. I pray that
God, You'll really help me to have this strong desire to want to have a strong relationship with u despite the odds that I am facing. Encourage me to think of eternal value. Instead of just wanting to have my love being reciprocrated by that guy You know. In the most precious name of my Lord and Saviour Jesus name, AMEN.

Anw, some nice things really happened! I wasn't troubled already! It's funny that my friend's and my assumptions were wrong!!! The other guy didn't like me!! YAY!!! :DD For a moment I was still worried. but now, IT'S FINE! I'M FREEEEEE!! yes yes yes! :)

Today was quite a nice day actually. I dunno why but I think I really hope that he was him. Such a close interaction with church guys don't usually happens. But since last year, I had a lot of interaction with him and not the guy I like. I felt like I'm a baby, still need to take a nap and whine and gives sulky faces to sucky comments. That guy that I like always gives sucky comments and I always gives sulky face to him. Seriously, does he always have to keep "suaning" me and say things that makes me wanna strangle him on the spot?!? :O I pushed him when he suan-ed me about thinking that I am laughing because I think I am funny. What?! Can't I laugh?! AND, does he always have to say that I'm always like that? Somemore still say I'm NEAR PSYCHOTIC. C'mon, I'm so gonna take health psychology for my next module and give him a 24hour lecture on what's psychotic and what's crazy (like a comparison) and what are the factors to consider before saying or judging that a person is psychotic. LIKE SERIOUSLY!!!!!

Okay, stop. I think this is getting way too far. Perhaps he said it jokingly just to play along uh. When I revealed the Juicy news to him about me, having 2 "girlfriends" and showed him the picture, he first said, "but this picture looks good" and later he said this which I think was reallly reallllly funny: "Yeah, this one is more like the juice squeeze out until no more already". HAHAHA!
Anw, in the back of my mind when he asked whether I got any juicy new, I was saying this in my mind, "I love you ever since 2 years ago. And even till now, I still love you." BUT instead of saying this to him, I said, " ahhaha! I've got no juicy news leh. Because I've got no juice and I've got no news!!" And he was like..."mmmm, OKAY???" I cried in my heart in the bus when I left. I wanted to say this to him, " you know, I love you so much that I've acted insane. That's how much I've done just to hide the feelings away from u. So that u don't know what you don't know." U know how sad I was when I actually have to say this bravely that, "never mind. I can be a happy single. Self-entertain. HAHAHAH." U know the silent cries in my heart? U don't know. and so many many things that I've to fake it out, let u see that I'm fine and I-don't-need-you, and I-don't-really-care-about-you actions. I am SO FAKE. I really can get oscar award pretending that I don't like you man. Act and act. Sick of acting when I see u.

But I also can't imagine myself woo-ing him and smiling at him sweetly and all. I can't actually do that so much as I hope that there's chance. I rather be insane in this way den being insane in that way. Because both ways are insane!

Gosh, I've cried so much...I don't how..but I shall stay calm den.

Bye readers

I CAN BEAT THAT LONELINESS

hey readers

U see, I can beat that loneliness.
It's so frustrating that I always have this empty feeling around.
Perhaps I'm demanding too much from God.
I don't wanna listen to Him.
I'm so disappointed with myself when I ponder about my weeks.
Where have I placed God in my heart?

Seriously, I don't think I love Him at all.
I don't even think about Him when I'm going through my weeks with problems.
I only had my routine prayers and seek His blessings before starting on my papers.
He seems to be the One that I'm using it as a tool when I'm suppose to be His tool.

After a while, I realised that the word Contentment, comes only with a good solid relationship with God. I seemed to stray often about how I look and my hair and my face and I complained in my heart for the way I look and often hope that I have long skinny legs, smaller butt, fairer skin, sharper nose, and NO PANDA EYES..

But I remembered about those words that Aunty Swee Choo says.
She said that no cosmetic is able to bottle up "Purity". This purity from the heart. Emotional purity. Not emotionally attached. Not pretending away. This purity gives true radiant. It glows out from the heart.

Therefore I seek this purity now. It's a good weapon to battle against loneliness.
I hope I can get away with this.

Seriously, when I speak to my friends about him, a lot of things that they said dissuade me to pursue that one-sided love. :) Like opening up to my heart to other people too instead of limiting to him.

I realised that this dissuation doesn't work at all. But I took this as a sign or answer from God about my current situation.

sighs. It seems so distance these days even those I sacrificed my rest time for the parties. I seriously need to stop going to places with ulterior motives. It's so sickening and irritating by the nagging feelings ....keep telling me that I did this wasn't wrong because he's going off so soon. In fact, it's just 2 days before my birthday. :((((((((((((((( because I felt that I need more interactions with him and see him more often because I know I don't have the chance to do this kinda of thing or attend this kinda of events with him around for the next 3-4 years. It's irresistable. But I regretted almost everytime when I have interactions with him because it's not sastifying at all. It's not wad I wanted. I wanted a closer talk. not some boring talk or just less-den-1-minute talk. :(

And you know what? It seems like he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me. Probably I'm just too tense...my guard's up. :(

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHESSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH.

Need to relax uh.

Bye readers.

sick and love sick

I'm currently feeling too depressed. Dunno why tears can just flow and flow and it's making me feeling so horrible around. Felt so sick and I cried when I'm home. I couldn't help myself stop having the feeling of neglection and unwanted. Its killing me to let myself know that I shouldn't pursue in someone who's isn't good to me even though he's such a perfect guy. It's pretty disappointing after comparing the things I've day-dreamed about and reality. It's such a huge disappointment. So disappointed in myself too...

I had the sudden urge to stop everything that I'm involved in. Piano lessons, choir prac, going to sch for lessons and all the other daily chores and FYP assignments. I want and I definitely need a break. A break from all the to-do-lists and from him.

Let me fly

Let me fly to the skies and pee.

Oh, when I said that, the guys behind me responded immediately, "EEEW!"
Both me and Yin San were just laughing our heads off.

I seemed to be a little strange. But I know what's going on exactly in my head.
People noticed. People asked.
I'm so frustrated with myself. Secret's no longer keeping. It's leaking like a broken cisterns.

Broken hearts, completely lost in thoughts of u.
Well, I admit ur smile does brightens up my day.
It's stucked to my head the whole day and I can't seem to get it off.
It's so hard not to think about it.
Hormones activated. WHOA

The way I hear from others, the more I'm assured of this one thing.
His love for me cannot be recipocrated, and my love for him cannot be recipocrated.
Sounds complicated right? That's just because there're both guys here.

I hope I wrong about this. Really, i'm not stupid. But I'm just not saying and asking to anyone..

Distance

so far away...so impossible
Hard to accept the fact
But it is like this.

Losing it all
Hope is vanquised
Losing sight of love
Don't want anymore

Is this even love?
No I don't think so.
Reality is always cruel
but it sometimes sweet, oh when?

Tired of waiting
I've been waiting
Nothing occurs,
only one sided

don't wana spend my whole life waiting,
for someone that I don't know whether he will be mine one day.

Can this feeling go away?
No one will really knows.
I just want to have you,
but seems impossible.

Totally distant
Totally un-loved
Inadequate; Insignificant
Let go, Let go...oh why can't I?

Getting bored.

Getting bored.. Sighs..

It's my problem again..
Why do you have to appear when she appear?

Why am I jealous over NOTHING.
I AM NOTHING.
SO I'M JEALOUS OVER MYSELF. ://

Okay lameeee...so bored mugging away. So bored doing work..

Miss you so much that I became insane.

Getting good:)

Hey readers! ;D

I'm all cheery!! But one thing I know is that my life is too surrounded with the"to-do list" and I seems to have a lot of things that I need to do that took out almost all my time on the things that I want to do.

My walk with the Lord wasn't going well, basically neglecting the Bible a lot, but I plan to start doing it consistently. For it is the will of God for me to set apart and be His special people and stay clear of fornication which simply means sexual immorality such as sexual sins etc. I'm quite inspired by Roy Hill for the learning points that he could draw from the bible. It's just a sentence, yet it can mean so much and impact to much. I hope that I can draw meaningful and applicable things from the Bible and remind myself how I ought to live my life pleasing to the Lord day by day.

Well, its been quite a trying day on thurs cos one of the gospel rally song items were hard!! we're split up to so many sections so my section only consist of 4 peeps? and the harmony is really hard. I can't seems to catch the harmony note...

But the main thing was that after play tchouball, my whole body was sore the next day. I can even lift up my thighs. It's horrible. The training was really challenging for a newbie like me. Passing the ball and trying to catch those strong incoming ball which frightens me everytime I try catching it...worrying it may land on my face and break my teeth.

So I don't really have much energy left on friday though I managed to have 8hrs of sleep. FYP was as usual. Ricardo always come late and he's in charge of blending stuffs, I'm the sia-kang warrior cum roll pearl machine, charmaine was the measuring babe, mervyn is the can-do everything person, basically taking pictures and boiling the pearls and jeremy is the half can do everything person and half sia-kang warrior. But I'm the hard core sia-kang warrior, certified by myself. :D

It's so great to have so much more interactions with him and I feel fine, but not perfectly fine..cos I know I'm no where holding any significant place in his heart. Well, just managed to be able to be more of myself when I know he's there. Not so much of trying to constraint myself.

I dreamt of him last night..I dreamt that he was really amazed by how well I can sight sing(oh by the way, he comes for choir practice too!so good right?) but when I start irritating him by drawing 3 dots on his white shoes with a blue ball point pen, he became so fierce! He shouted at me," STOP IT! ENOUGH ALREADY OKAY?!!" I remembered I feel really lousy and sad...
and even more sad when I heard his dreamgirl's mum telling me that he's such a good boy and just that her daughter don't know how to appreciate it and don't understand. and she continued and said, "Where to find such a nice boy, willing to wait until her daughter finished her academic work." I dreamt that when I've heard it, I was so hurt because he hasn't gave up on her.

What a bad dream isn't it? But I could feel that this dream can really happen in real life...like more realistic. Those dreams about he and me going to a far away land and really good stuffs isn't realistic at all. :(

Well, dreams are dreams. Forget it.

Saving money to watch kungfu panda 2 with my lovely sec school classmates this coming week! :) sighs, but still...got SUPER A LOT OF REVISION TO DO MANN! :((

BYE READERS! (: God bless ya all.

Stagnant

I was just pondering about this word.
Just this word alone, it can describes all my emotions and my "spiritual" condition.

Things hasn't been going well deep down in my heart.
That craving hasn't stopped when I said that's it.
So funny that it's just a several hours ago when I claimed that.
So funny that I still can't overcome it.

How funny it is. Laughs.

Where have you been? Where did you go? I waited, seems I care less...but dunno why..I just didn't want to look at you when I was a distance away. Why do I always do things the opposite when I see you around? Maybe, I'm just too tired to keep on pretending..But I guess as long as things are stagnant, I have to keep on pretending.

So now I'm always standing alone, in the crowded room...and we're not speaking at all.
It's killing me. But I know, it wasn't killing you at all.

That's it

That's it. No more please...Just no more..
No more second look at you.




The way I loved you...I always acted insane...I'm really not an insane person. I'm really not.

An inconsistent walk

Hey readers..

Neglecting the Bible and I will SHRINK SHRINK SHRINK.
That's exactly the problem. A slacken faith.

So now..I'm back to the root of all problems. Agony rises to the top of my heart and subconsciously, I'm missing him too much. Just probably today I kept thinking about him super a lot more than usual. And seems like everything that I saw and notice such as pictures of loving couple, always makes me think of him so much.

Question to myself: Why am I missing him so much?
Gosh. :( sighss..

Bye readers.

Renewal

HEY READERS!

Frankly speaking, I think that having a retreat is much more better than going on a mission trip when I'm spiritually drained out. I felt that retreat allows me to withdraw myself from doing the normal "boring" stuffs like fb-ing and bejewel-ing and provides me a room to reflect on my walk with God, and to set me thinking on purifying my desires, letting God's desires to be my desires.
Whereas for a misson trip, I have so many things to do and I gradually get tired out and worned out. There's an obligation to want to spend time with God. Mission trip allowed me to see God's handiwork in His creation and how He has blessed the work there, experience something indifferent. But personally, there wasn't much gain for my spiritual walk. It's overloading due to tight schedule and traveling tired me out pretty much.

To be brutally honest with myself, I've all the desires that the world have. Desiring to posses tangeable things such as branded goods, cute accessories or clothes, and even desiring to posses a relationship. I'm sure everybody wants to have a person to lean on, and sometimes a gentle touch to feel secured. But all these things will pass away. Naked will I come to Earth, and naked will I depart. There's really nothing that I can bring to heaven. Only what's done for Christ will last.

There's this so called joke about this man who bring all his gold bars to heaven. And when God sees it, He said,"Why do you bring a pavement to heaven?" HAHAHA! Having riches is nothing.

From the retreat, I've managed to sort out my desires and priorities better..still struggling..but much better. I realised that my hand is still holding on to something I deemed as precious, unwilling to open it up to let God hold my hand and filled it with eternal things. I've actually missing out a lot of things that God wanted to give me. *tears rising up* So foolish...

Also from the retreat, I realised that I have to intentionally and deliberately put away the cares, the worries, the to-do list, and just, wanna spend time with God. Solitude...something I have to learn. Sometimes desiring to want to spend time with God should not come only at convienent places like go worship then start to commit myself etc. It really requires me to stop my to-do list and just desire to want to talk to Him like a girl who's in relationship with a guy and pines to want to talk to him every moment. That should be like the attitude.

I realised that some girls wanna stick with a guy who's not upright and all..and despite all those plentiful flaws, they still would want to stick with that guy..because she knows that she's wanted, she knows that she's important to that guy, she knows that she means all the whole world to him. But I realised that we as human, are all God's creation, each of us are made differently, ALL ARE PRECIOUS IN HIS SIGHT. ALL are important, valuable and significant because He loves us. When I thought that I'm so important and significant, I felt that this is something I can hold on to especially I start to get depressed and dejected, knowing that I'm no way significant in Ben's heart and I take no special place there. It sort of rejuvenates me and tried to let me think that it's not worth to give all my love to someone that does not love me at all..

Yes, this is what I've thought about. and thanks for reading it through! :))

BYE READERS!

just thinking

Hey readers! My work was horrendous and super hectic. Well, perhaps I will let my manager know that i'll not be working there after sunday though I still wana work to save up some money. But well, I think I shouldn't work there anymore and I should go find other jobs. WHY?

1. Mainly because I don't enjoy working there. My colleagues age gap were too far and it's hard to blend in. Furthermore, most of them are thai. So it's hard to catch what they're talking about sometimes.

2. Expect you to know how to do everything. I said that cause they didn't teach me how to do certain things when I've asked them how to. And most of the time, I'll have to try things out myself first. If I do well, I'll pass and receive no further comments. If I happened to press certain things wrongly and place things wrongly or the way I handle with the rice isn't nice, they'd be upset and den teach me how to do it right.

3. It's not easy serving, washing dishes, taking orders, handling rice, cooking rice, calculating and voiding receipts, cleaning up the whole restaurant which is small but enough to drain off all my energy.

4. there's this guy that would stalked girls home. I've no intention to carry on even when there's still motivation for me to still wants to carry on because of money. But the thing is, I really don't enjoy it as much as I want to. So, I've decided to quit.
IT'S really a tiring and flustering job. Many things happened and things that I've realised today...But I would like to thank God first before talking about all the things that happened.

Seriously, I had to work 9 hours consecutively for two days and the next two days, I've to work for 10 hours. So imagine...how sore and heavy were my legs..and how tiring it was to go through all that when I didn't work for almost 1 year already..and didn't do anything strenous during the hols.

After receiving the invitations from timo, I felt really happy!! he invited me to go USS!! At first when I heard from maggie that timo asked whtr I can a not, I was like..nononono!! but I can take a day off!! and I thought ben would be joining us. haha. den..after I asked timo, he says only got him and jeremy going...den a sudden rush of disappoint came in. But I pretended to be okay..anw, I still would want to go despite ben not going because uss is just too fun and nice!! it cannot be missed! So I've asked my mum and my mum asked me to ask my bro can a not cos he has gt 75dollar voucher to spend it on resorts world.

SUPER HAPPY WHEN TIMO SAYS, "OKAY SURE!!! WE CAN ALL GO ON FRIDAY!!"
wooohooo!! and my mum agreed and soo...

Universal Studio aka USS in short, HERE I COME! :D

It was crazy waking up earlier den usual. And it was even crazier to catch up with my brother cos he's walking too fast ahead of me and he climbed the stairs instead of taking escalator and also insisted to take the circle line den change to purple line to get to habourfront so in the end, the train got jammed at the circle line and it took us 10-15 mins later for the next train to arrive.

GOSH.

The MOST CRAZIEST THING IS WAD YOU KNOW... TO TAKE 3 ROLLER COASTER RIDES CONSECUTIVELY...in the MORNING, when I was ALL LETHARGIC. and it just so happened that the first ride is the MOSTTTTT SCARIEST RIDE when I thought it would be slightly better den the cyclone one. BUT IT'S NOT THAT CASE. The first drop makes me want to cry..and I seriously hope the ride would faster end if not I'd just die.

And it's super uncomfortable to keep feeling the free fall..Anyway, I get to talked to mag in the air. I said, "I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DROP." and she replied, "yeah I know!! we are!"

So...after taking the human ride, I was feared and shook so badly, hesistating to take the cyclone ride when I saw the warning notice that says it has 5 up-side down turns! So, I was saying to mag and jeremy, One, not enough.. Two, not enough.. Three, err...maybe also not enough... Four, enough and maybe... Five, OKAY! NO MORE!! THATS SUPER ENOUGH. And me and mag was like deciding on what to say while we're flying in the air...so we decided to say," GOD SAVE ME!" and after the ride...we'd want to say, "AMEN!" haha. Den in the end we didn't say anything cos I was screaming all times..It's just so shiok mann. I love the turns. Only the dropping and accelerations makes me felt so helpless like dying. So compared to the human ride, the cyclone one is slightly better. More relaxed. haha :D

Next was the dumb mummy backward motion ride at certain times. Which I think...no kick. Queing up for the rapids adventure was crazy. It took us 2 and a half hrs to take that 2-3 minutes ride. and the slope wasn't that steep. HAHAHA! I didn't get wet as much as the rest. in the end, I myself who brought 3 ponchos and 1 umbrella didn't get wet..In fact, I was the driest. hahhaa!! SEE, the outcome of not wearing ponchos lah people. Timo was funny. He said, "I wasn't scared taking this ride. I was only scared because I scared to get wet." LOL!!!!! Far far away, shrek 4D shows are the best.. But I can't figure out how the spiders effects can came out so real. Among so many things, I realised who timo likes and it's so complicated.

Anw, I gota go sleep now

BYE READERS

A little not too strong girl

Hey readers!

Kinda of slacking this week cos I havent started working.

Next week den start :) Gosh! I felt really upset about my school's schedule. I can't go for ABCamp! It's during my exam period?!?!? Can't even skip school thinking that I still can do my revision there in camp.

It is possible because the camp is in a resort and there's wireless because maggie gona let me use.

So yes...everything is possible..it just need me to get out of school.

Well..this is really a super duper bad news! :( Further bad news that when I scrolled up and down the Godbook that he has created for the church event, I wasn't even on the guest list. He remembered to invite EVERYBODY except me. MEEE!!! MEEE!! HOW CAN HE MISS OUT ME?!? okay. Nvm den. I'd be going even if he doesn't invite anw. But I was really upset. I've seen the guest list and all the people whom I don't usually see in church was even in the guest list... I don't know why I've cried after that..probably I've felt so insignificant in his life.

Not even someone that he remember to invite for a workshop..what more he'll remember me when he's out in UK afterwards? I'd be totally forgotten..

Why is it that I'm shedding tears now?? Idiot me..

Anw.. like I've said or rather expected, maggie is smart. Obviously she gets a lil hint about my interest in him when I start to talk to her about him during ushering and other times. But she didn't get it 100% correct...like on the dot cos she tot that I might have a crush on tim (ben's buddy). She had no idea which one I like. So I've asked her which one she thinks I'll like..She said prolly more of ben. Hahaha. So I've asked her why and she said cos I did more things for him like the birthday card thinggy.

So I was like okayy...I told her I did it cos he's leaving to UK soon. Wanted to give him something because i've never gave him anything personally. Only passed him things that my bro wanted to give him nia. So..she's like the first one to know about my darkest secret..kept from all peeps who knows ben except my family members. I hope she won't brag it out...I trust that she'd remain silent..if not, I wouldn't have told her the truth.

Because she is my longest friend in my life (even before yin san) that still stay in contact and close together. I think she'd know my intention of why I didn't tell anyone. She continued to say about ben is really good..and rare. When she said that I was like thinking to myself, "mmm...u've know him quite well and he'd left good impression uh? Maybe to be honest, you like him too isn't it?" Well, he's really a catch.

Just hope that the secret wouldn't be out further. Right..anw...I'm not crying already and I'm going to sleep now. He better be far far away in my dreams mann.. Don't want to see him or even his shadows in my dream...

So..
BYE READERS!

Failed surprise party? Who gave the hint away?!

Hey readers! [:

Wow! My week was spent week LOADDS OF CHURCHTIES! it's pretty cool! Havent been like this!

It's like I've seen

1. Tirzah - No of times: 4!
2. Yin San - No of times: 2!
3. Magdalene- 3!
4. Joanna- 2!
5. Elena- 1!
6. Esther wong- 1!
7. Esther Ogawa- 1!
8. Hu KaiQin- 1!

Maggie and san doesnt have anymore to lunch with. So, I've dated tirzah and she asked more to come for lunch :)
I had one of the most awesome chicken rice when I lunched with san! She's VERY good at recommending chicken rice! SIMPLY DELICIOUS AND YUMMY! :) It was pretty rush cos her lunch break is only an hour. Gosh, Jamie pangseh us agn. She've overslept. Well, not surprised. So glad to have a rare guest.. My pretty lady..Brother Jo! haha! :D

I had KFC for lunch with maggie! Had quite an awesome time with them! Like theres loadds of things to share about and check out a few places after lunch. Managed to find a job at Go!Go!Curry :) Nice! There, they'll teach me how to cook! :) I'd have to wash dishes, cook and serve. I think it's really cool and the schedule is pretty awesome! Just have to tell my assi manager when I'm free and she'll schedule me in! SUPER NICE. Best thing was that I dont need to re-dye my hair, buy and wear court shoes, bundle up my hair and wear those black shaggy-aunties pants wear. So yes! loving the dress code? the assistant manager is very very polite! just that I was pretty scared of the staff there cos they were not smiling and giving me the up-down glance.. Gosh, KINDA afraid of the aunties there though. Hope that they won't gimme a tough time..if not.i'd quit in no time? NO NO, i can't. I need money so badly.

Thats the thing when I start to want to go places. Like siging up for things needs registration money, going for BBQ, having good lunches with peeps, and wanting to sign up for camp! OH CAMP!! I got to check whtr it'll clash with the UT period!

Anw, I was really glad that my sister likes me to organise a mini party for her 25th birthday despite that there wasn't any surprises. :(
Why no surprises? WHO GAVE THE HINT AWAY?!
okok readers, here's the person who gave the SURPRISE away...
that person is NONE OTHER THAN ME.

I...I was sending out msgs to the confirmed guests and u noe, have to type the receipients name/number. So I don't know why my sis number was stucked into my head and I just sent to her...without realising that. So, after I've sent out the msg, I was like, "mmm, who did I just sent it to", really forgotten about it. So I went to check the sent msgs, and dropped my jaws! There goes all her surprised faces that worth all my efforts! GOOD GRACIOUS!~~

I've tried to salvage the situation by texting her this, "Oh, I've sent it to the wrong person, please ignore that msg. Thanks."

And immediately her reply was, "HAHA! No surprise liao.."
Next, her boyfriend texted me and said, "She said you gave the hint away."

Okay, so...all the efforts in trying to draw info from her bf about when she's coming back, what time is the movie and everything gone into waste. and also all the confirmed guests had a surprise instead of my sis because they didn't know that she wasn't surprised after I've told them that day.

The "BEST" thing was that my sis was there at the bustop and she saw me and tirzah while esther quickly ran and hide herself. I've tried to shoo her away and ask her to walk around in khatib central until 6.30 (her bf predicted time that she'd get home) So in the end...she's back home early den us...seeing all the decorations on the fall and BIG signboards.

Well...anw, she didn't know who i've invited and she had a sweet time of fellowship with her churchties (all the ladies were of her age!) So we've great time catching up one another, playing monopoly deal and celebrating her birthday! MY MUM FIXED A FEAST! she's really a great cooker and she blames me for not helping her out at the kitchen which I've said I'd do so... Feeling guilty and said sorry to her. Hope that I'd keep my word. Somehow I was really busy with the signboards and getting the decorations organised.

IT WAS A BLAST! and her friends wanted me to do it agn next year..and I was like...ermmm..okay? I'll try..ya noe. It's not like every year I'm free during this time.

So, I'm so looking forward to tomorrow! going out wif my dearest mag and san. Will be stucked with them for the whole day.

I better fix a day with kimmy before she gets busy or rather before I get busy too. Gona start work in one week's time though.

Well, hope that he came back realising that I'm not "there" anymore.
cause, my heart wants to stop going all out for him :) but I know it hasn't stop. FAIL-ed (I JUST THINK IT'S TOO EARLY TO SAY THAT?!)

BYE READERS.

The same thought for Yesterday, Today, may be forever.

I blogged because I want you to know, but I don't want to tell u.



P.s.: I'm sorry, because..I don't know how to just say it or make known to u about all that I've felt.

the "Zhous" 7 days of "adventure"

Hey readers! [:

It wasn't really an adventure to China thou.
Well, I had travelled to Guangzhou, xiamen (Fujian), Quan Zhou, Shen Zhen and back to Guangzhou during these 7 days!

It wasn't that awesome at all..I'm carnophobic. (Car phobia) Er.. Okay..I've came out this phobia myself. I'm so sick of travelling as you know, travelling to places in CHINA (BIG BIG BIG COUNTRY) really ate up almost 50% of the time spent during this trip.

Airbus (8hours to and fro), Bus (8hours plus), Car (10000000000 hours)

Also, I had to go with my dad to inspect the goods. I didn't inspect the goods, but he did. Many workers there look at me as though I'm a super star or what. I mean..they really don't see girls often or what. Need to look at me until like that wan meh? Seriously, I couldn't agree more with my mum when she said she has brought a pig here. That piggy is me yea? Cos for the whole trip, after I've ate, I fell asleep easily in the car. Eat and sleep..eat and sleep.. Yea.. So thats why this trip isn't an adventurous trip.

Anw, the most awesome thing about this trip is that I've managed to try a lot of food and beverages! Some were very amazing! and I love Singapore Sling! I realised that I couldn't drink and I can get drunk easily. Cos after I had the whole cup of the cocktail, I felt drowsy and my face is warm. I love the colour of my cheeks thou. It's pinkish! Dunnid to put on any blusher. :) There were weird seafood that uncle Dolf brought us to eat. Seriously, I LOVE TO EAT THE FISH THERE. So tantalising and simply delicious when it's steamed and added with soya sauce and the stock used was simply awesome! The most disappointing thing about this trip was that I didn't managed to try the dumpling with the soup inside. But the best thing about this trip was having a ready roasted chicken that was pipping hot in the midst of the cold strong wind.

The food there in up-down-9-steps-streets (direct translation from chinese) were so so affordable! best bargains there! It's like you can get 6 tako balls at the price of s$2. ITS 6!!! and noodles, dumplings and xiao chi cost less than $2. :)

Not only the food, but the stuffs that you can find there were super affordable too! It's like you can get nail polish at 40cents, umbrella at $3, long jeans at $7, very glamorous clothes at $7-9. Shoes at $7.80-9.00. Watch and sun glasses at $2 and many more!

At first, I thought I won't get to go to these places cos no one knows where to shop and eat at great prices. Morever, I was thoroughly disappointed when Uncle Dolf brought me to leather factory to shop for bags and the other shops that I've visited...the prices were not good! SOO EXPENSIVE. So I did lose hope. I thought I've found a great shopping place in QuanZhou. So I've bought about 3 pieces of clothes and 2 rings there. And it does cost me quite a lot. If I know that I'd be going to up down 9 steps streets, I wouldn't have bought anything there cos it's overpriced compared to that street. So I've ended up having less money to shop in that up down 9 steps street... *sobs* It does bites me.

Not only the food and the stuffs that you can find there...but the prices for haircut and hair styling were very affordable too! I did treatment, wash, blow and dyed my hair at about S$20+. I've done rebonding at Xia men and I've a hair cut already. So I didn't wanted them to cut my hair anymore if not my hair would have split ends. Btw, on the 2nd day, I've already rebonded my hair! And its TWO HANDSOME guys doing my hair..applying cream and blow my hair simultaneously. Shiok right?? Den at up down 9 step streets, the guys that were doing my hair were also quite cute and good looking. One of the guys asked a lot of questions and he laughed when I keep wanting to go to the toilet. The toilet was super...ermm..how to say..weird? Cos the hole (which was square in shape) to contain the excretory products were about A5 size! (A test for accuracy uh? Have to aim properly). The worse thing was that I have no idea which side I should stand to pee... :/ The magazine typed Singapore in Chinese wrongly and I just laughed my head off when he was dying my hair away.

Anw, I've felt so cheated by my mum cos she said that it's about 25deg celsius when it's actually 15deg celsius! There goes all the shorts that I've brought for the trip. And worse still...I'm the only person who wore shorts and people were giving me the up and down glance...thinking that I must have came from some other planets or that they were prolly impressed that I can tahan the cold?... haha!

I've finally get to watch P.S I love you in the netbook. It does made me think that probably..I should be like the girl.. When she received the last letter from her late husband, she felt that he's really no longer there. Not there anymore. She lives on strong without his presence. And she would still write to him.

Life goes on.. I just really felt so angry that the fact that me and him were merely acquaintances. I'm not important to him and yet he's so precious to me. I think about him so often...and he probably doesn't think of me at all.. He's all I think about at night. And he know nuts about it.
I'm so keen about him that I've often went on to his facebook to browse and laughed at his silly photos taken and admire those charming looks and nasty-yet-cute comments he and his friends made. Yet, he might have not been looking at my fb pics..or even read the status. I'm mad. I'm mad about myself liking someone who doesn't even think of me, doesn't miss me, doesn't love me at all. It's been a several weeks that I didn't see him..and here I am..missing him so much that during all these nights, he has appeared in my dreams. I dreamt that I was surprised to see him attending a church event where we go for NDP and he was wearing the THINK shirt and with a backpack, walking up the stage with the rest casually.

It beats me hard. Causing so many pain and afflictions when I think that I mean nothing to him at all. I had no place in his heart. Not even a diameter of a needle..

I'm trying to walk out from this shadow hard. I don't want to keep walking behind him. I just want to be on my own..hoping that even I lose sight of him, I won't feel any pain or bitterness..

Seriously, I'm not doing well in making decisions that were not due to his presence/cause or anything to do with him. Cos..even when I had my hairdo, I kept thinking to myself...probably if my hair is nice, I'll be able to attract more of his attention. When chosing clothes, I kept asking myself, "will he like to see a girl wearing this?, althou I felt the clothes are nice. "Shall I skip school just to attend ABCamp," becos most probably that would be the last camp I could attend before he leave to UK. I'm ABSOLUTELY still making decisions based on him.

Goshh..When will this disaster end? When....???..

I've been good. What about you?

Hey readers [:

To my utmost surprise, the friday's job that Nigel recommended was super slack. I've NEVER WORK SO SHIOK IN MY LIFE BEFORE! It's like I just have to make popcorns and serve the guest. And I don't really have to serve much cause there ain't loadds of people. And plus it was a movie night. So we all get to watch movie. And the guest was so nice, he offered us to help ourselves with the buffet. Being so excited, I called my mother and told her how slack and nice the job was :) Oh gosh, Kimmy was mistaken by an uncle..He tot she was malay! okay, I've finally got someone to join me in this "Sorry-I'm-not-malay" group. Today got people tot that I was from malaysia.

The next day was dragonboating! GOSH! I've slept so late and I almost couldn't make it on time. But God has His plan and with His help and in His timing, I WAS EARLY (by a few minutes!) :D SUPER NICE! Again, this outing taught me faith in God and prayer. It was kinda of disappointing at first because there was a heavy rain and we couldn't start on time. We all hope that it'll be just a heavy passing rain. and it did! Many prayers were answered I guess! and OFF TO DRAGONBOATING! HAHAHA! It was so fun to paddle, splashing water at each others' team boats, doing funny actions, counting the strokes, learning the paddle strokes and different commands (Easy, Hold water, Paddle's up!, Go)! Viking the boat and racing was pretty fun too! haha! AND MY TEAM GOT FIRST and we sang we're the champion! (no time for losers cause we are the CHAMPIONS!) :D

I had dinner with marvin, jethro and kenneth after the dragonboat session. It's how amazing that 10+ people can squeeze in Uncle Richard's van! Jet tries to be funny. Ask me whether I wanna sit on his lap a not and I was thinking, "WAD?! I DON'T WANT. YOU'RE NOT BEN." :DD
It was a thrilling ride down cause people keep on "bullying" me by poking me and making me laugh. I can't run away because I sat the center. *sighs* These people are so annoying. And when Tirzah poke me..I shook off and I've almost fell off from the chair when the van suddenly brake. Den all of us was like AHHH!! AND I WHOOOOOOOOOO~~ Don't worry. I didn't break my legs or hands. or else I wouldn't be sitting here and type about my previous week :D

We had carl Jn for dinner!! And kenneth said that Carl junior dad's name was also carl! so that's carl senior. :/ Right..
I hadn't tried the freshly brewed ice lemon tea and I've felt so cheated! It says ICE lemon tea. and in the end it's a luke warm lemon tea. And it's so bitter. It's really lemon TEA. So after jet tried it he was like *pukes*, "I don't wanna drink it anymore." I was like, "Aiyoh, u arh.. lemme try and taste issit really that bad a not." Den my reaction was even worse..I was like *pukes pukes and puke harder* It was really that bad cos I didn't add sugar syrup as I din notice it until I went to refill marvin's cup with coke + sprite. It was a HEAVY HEAVY dinner! It was rather weird to go back with jethro cos it's like we don't usually talk. And cos we're heading the same way using the similar transport mode, I was like kinda "force" to have to talk to him. So I've been talking about shit..pee and fart. :D (I guess he couldn't take it. and keep asking me to stop and said "OK?..") I've talked lot about Bmet and joked about the lady called," lau zai boah" and told him that hopefully she won't marry to a guy with a surname "seow" if not she would be called "siao zai boah". And he told me about lucas' teacher's name was I Qu. and her hubby's surname is "low". So altogether become LOW I Q. haha!!! what a joke! seriously..

I've went to comment on ben's facebook's status :

Mopiko should just close down cause it seems that mozzie bites just need some getting used to. =)

This status had misled me. I tot the mopiko wasn't effective and he might have been suffering from hundreds of mosquitoes at cambodia and prolly have been scratching all over his body. So I commented:

"aiyah, maybe ur mopiko expire already lah. :/ (seems like the mosquitoes are "mopiko-resistant" breed. U must been scratching all over ur body) Anw, use try using antihistamine drugs :D"

Den..this was his reply..

"i din say im using mopiko and its not working wad!
vic: life is fine =) how r u man? got my french desert waiting for me? haha"

Goshh..okay anw. I was happy that he commented back. :D

So about today..it was really really tiring cos I spent my night to edit and print the reimbursement forms for RYFL. Getting things sorted out neatly and by the time I've finished, it's around 12+. Great..insomnia problems. Couldn't sleep in time and so today..I was thoroughly worn out. Great that I've no piano lesson today cos I've postponed it to wed. I was challenged to imitate Paul and had understood wad it means for me to live is Christ and to die is gain. I simply love how it was been covered when Joanna spotted all the paradoxes. Seriously, the world tends to think that to live is for myself..and surely to die, is nothing and it's loss (or a way to escape problems) Whereas God's word says that dying for Christ is gain because our biggest reward is that we can be with God forever more! although there might be crown of righteousness and so on. but that's the greatest thing! I start to imagine myself having this image of me talking to God so freely and He bend down to hear my feeble requests, a kind and loving Father image. It does makes me felt really good. I seriously would want to take up the challenge and to just want to have this intimate relationship with my Lord and nothing else can stop me from living my life for my Lord.

Oh..So yes..tonight for gospel, I've played Christ alone medley. It went better den I thought :) Played pretty okay and didn't screw up. So yess! :D Uncle Aaron said that I've played the piano well. heh. and many others thanked me for helping them to play the piano. :D

It's been nice here..wondering how's life been for him.. Hope that all is well. Heard from Uncle Kian Huat that the 3 guys there have to learn how to cook and wash dishes for the peeps there. Really nice :)

Bye readers!

SIANS

Hey readers..

Things aren't going well..
The next thing I know was that my sister actually attempted suscide yesterday. She must have been really depressed and having a mind full of negative thoughts with no thought of there's still a God there in her life that she could fully depend on. And that's why she did such a silly thing. Seriously, in many parts of the world, there're so many pple fighting for their lives to live each day. My sis just encountered failure in relationship..and it's not like it's the end of the world. She has a bright future ahead. There's so many people who wanted the life that my sis is leading now. She has to change her lifestyle. Do more exercise and be free of stress (at least try to minimise "stress intake".)

My brother did something really shameful. I'm not going to say what he did because it's very common among guys and it needs to be kept privately. I just pray that he wouldn't continue in this shameful thing again.

As for me..I was pretty happy to know that ben is safe and sound. I think he's pretty fine there. :) Thank God. But I'll miss his tan skin, his sweet smile..so beautiful..so right.. :) Sometimes I wish I'm Aunty Dora..Can just hug him and he wouldn't feel awkward about it..

Gosh..Kimmy is having cramps. I hope that later when she work..she'll be able to take it..No choice..Hafta tahan. I better prepare a few painkillers in my bag just incase she couldn't take the pain anymore. :/

Bye readers.

When you're gone

Hey readers.

It was just a few days back when he's still eating lunch with me. Talking almost non stop and helping me to eat the food that I don't want. Now, he's already in Cambodia. I was really happy that the Lord has given me the time to be able to send him off. I kept telling myself that if I can go I should go because ultimately, I won't get to see him after 28days. So I was quite happy that his flight was in the afternoon so that I could meet my FYP teammates afterwards in the evening. When Yin san asked how long will he be there, I straight away replied 28 days and En Ling was like waah! You remembered it so well. I was kinda scared that I gave it away so I tried explaining to them that I had been attending prayer meetings and I always could see these 4 guys names in the prayer diary. So when En Ling heard that she said, "Why are you trying to justify yourself uh?" Gosh, seriously, I hope that I didn't give it away.

I felt that the more I'm with the church-ties nowadays, the more I had the urge to tell them about my feelings. Cos it's just sunday that maggie asked me who I like in church because she said that actually the guys in church are quite good looking and she tried to recommend me. Haha! Den she asked me if I'm still in the stage of liking someone and desiring to have relationship. And I told her, "Um..yes?" haha! Actually I thought I've already passed that stage, but it was only when Chris sort of came in to my life that time that made me felt wanting to go into relationship and liking guys and so on and so forth. And after him, not long, I realised that I still had crushed on Ben. and it grew as time passes especially when I had decided to give up my part time job because I really would like to spend more time in church. So yea, feelings grew stronger especially when he showed that he was indeed an ideal guy. Seriously, I just kept talking about him to my close buddies like yin san and maggie nowadays. They're quite smart and sensitive pple and I do sort of guess that they know that I was quite keen on ben.

Anw, back to yesterday's send off..it was super funny to see him beamed at me when I said,"Aiyah, just go in at 4.20pm lah." And I gave a giggle. HAHA. Stupid Titus and gang said look at Shi Ting hahaha. dots.. I realised that I couldn't make it for Sunday School anniversary because I would be away in Guangzhou. So sad.. I wish I could see my awesome video and hear the composition being sang.

Oh back to the send off, I thought to myself that he must have been enjoying the company of his dreamgirl. I knew that he'd be with her at the stand for quite sometimes. But I felt that I should let him enjoy her presence. So I was up there at Fish and co together with the rest and talking funny things with yinsan and en ling. And also, I didn't go and shake his hands. Well, afterall, he looked really pleased when his dreamgirl shook his hand. I stood back and watched him. I wanted to give him my blessings. Well, anw, and she talked about perfume. And he was like he'd received lotsa presents on his birthday. And En ling was like, "he's trying to hint at something." LOL! I can't helped but to laugh when his dreamgirl said something like, "What, I don't get it or remember anything." Anw, his passport photo was really funny. Soo soo funny that I squatted down behind his dreamgirl and laughed so hard! He really had a fat fat chubby face! If he look this way still, I would prolly like him more than I like asaph (that little kiddo) :D
And Aunty Dora was like,"we should take a pic of this before he goes!" I nodded much. :)

Tirzah was really nice because she rushed to see him off after school. I was telling ben how Tirzah had put in sooo much effort to send him off. He said he was so touched! (LOOK AT THOSE ACT-BLISSFUL FACE AGAIN. :/) and he continued, " but I specially waited for her as I could go in now." I was like, "BUT YOU NEED TO GO IN SO EARLY FOR WHAT?!" Then he agreed to my point and said that, " I can buy duty free wine for Youmie and Insun." and he quickly added, "No lah, I was joking only." Anw, what Tirzah did does made me think that she prolly likes ben too. But somehow, she told me that she liked another guy which I thought to myself, "aiyah, you should go like ben. He's so much nicer than the guy that she likes." Because the guy that she likes was kinda demanding and fierce and of high high high ego..though he's kinda capable and buff.

When he turnt back and waved his hands, I stood afar off while his dreamgirl was right at the front of the gate waving her hands at him. I gave a smile, hoping that he'd be really glad, feeling happy.

I felt that my presence was insignificant and I don't mean anything to him. But still..I don't want anything from him. I just want to be there and see him being happy and with smiles on his face :), that alone, I'm contented.

After he went in, I went far east with Yin San and Tirzah. Tirzah has not changed. Always say," lame lah you","shut up lah you", "stupid". lol! Okay? Den both of them was having a hairdo while I go shopping and GUESSS WADDDD??!

I SAW THIS SUPER GLAMOROUS DRESS THAT ONLY COST $15!! YES! it's only $15!
Can't believe that I've bought a prom dress for only $15. I was comtemplating which dress which I buy.. Cos all the 3 dresses were very stylish and each has their individual fashion sense and uniqueness. and all cost $15! I felt like buying all the 3 dresses thou. haha. But in the end I chose the one that is not-so-sexy. haha. Cos the other two, I have no bra(s) to match. Okay. so here's my great shopping journey. Finally Yin San and Tirzah were done and I seriously love Yinsan's new haircut. :D She looks different! so much nicer. And she brought me to the chicken rice stall. Seriously, the chicken rice taste so awesome! and the best thing was that the chilli sauce is re-fillable like on the table and I can serve myself so easily. Love the rice, soup, chicken n chilli! haha! :D

After that was FYP meeting and a stupid green tea cost $1. and plus service charge, I had to pay another one more buck. SO ITS 2 BUCKS FOR A STUPID GREEN TEA. It wasn't quite intense. and I felt tat the next meeting will be more intense because there'll be so many more research to do and things to read up. The funny thing about meeting up with them was that Jeremy, Mervyn and I wore YELLOW! I've never felt so banana in my life before.. I've told them a racist joke the one on the indian, chinese and malay on the titanic and the indian said," God s(h)ave me!" :/

As I was on my way back home in train, I was standing there alone, looking at the scenery outside and my own reflection. I listened to Taylor's song, and I felt rather emotional. I almst cried. Anw, I saw Aaron when he turnt back to look at who's screaming from the back. It wasn't me doing the screaming. It was some aunties shouting away and most of the pple turnt their backs to look at what's going on. Anw, I talked to him and managed to find out that he's doing accounts and still studying away.

Finally before I rest my head on the bed, I've talked to God. Prayed about some peeps in church, ben's health and safety (also the 2 guys there at cambodia now), the missionaries esp the one that the school was burnt down in Sri Lanka. Anw, my sister cos she's been crying the whole night and wouldn't lemme know what happened. It was just today that I knew that she was crying the whole night because her boyfriend wanted to break up with her. I've NEVER NEVER like my sis' bf and he wasn't suitable for my sister. It's just that I don't feel that he's my sis' Mr Right and it felt wrong. I hope that by God's grace, my sister will be able to love God more and that she'd be to meet someone who loves God and not someone who rejects God like her current boyfriend.

Sighs, it does made me felt worried about her cause I scared she can't straighten her thoughts and do something silly. My sis has been the one giving and giving while her bf just received and did little. She has loved her bf so much while her bf doesn't seems to care about her and even said things that hurt her. He's my sis' first boyfriend... Sighs..Hope that my sis will be strong and get through these times. She's really such a poor thing. She had part time job and she need to study uni at the same time. Things are really difficult for her already and now with this, it might just add to her blow and make her more distressed.

Anw, I had cried during the night before I sleep..cos..I just missed him so much. And the sight of him still liking the girl does made me so so so bitter. Feeling tired but couldn't sleep still..I cried myself to sleep..freezing his pic with me on the phone. snugging into the blanket..while my tears drenched the bedsheets. (because I don't sleep with pillows. It made my head aches the next morning when I wake up)

Bye readers