To go for it or not to?

Decisions. Sometimes it's the most brain racking part when it comes to making a wise decison.
I can't pretend that I won't see it coming. Neither can I pretend that I don't see the signs that were made obvious to me.

This is the real challenge, a real test of faith and obedience set by the most high and mighty One.
I've tried so hard to sastify the thrist of love and romance by soughting him.. I've imagined the things we can do, show it off to my dear friends and suitors that it's time to give up and for them to move on cos I've found someone much better.

I can't deny the fact that I sort of know he's not the one I'm looking for. But I wanna give it a chance to grow. But by doing so, I'm putting myself in the risk of falling in love till I'm out of control.

I've once told Kim abt the level of love. It's like a multi layered ball..
The outer most layer defines my liking for a guy due to the outward qualities of a guy which meets my kind of standard. He must be at least taller den me, tan (which is dam important - cos it means that the guy always heads ouGtdoor. And cos I'm rather tan, so it'll be such a disgrace to stand beside someone who has better complexion and fairer den me), capable and smart - from good schs, good looking or appears cute at least to me, bonus: police background and able to cook.

This kind of liking is just superficial. It keeps my mind entertained with the thoughts of the person as and when. I may also imagine the stuffs we can do together and look for opportunities to further. I might even go and do something special to the person and have a very different approach to him. Cos he's considered in my dating option list. Eye candies are most likely to enter this stage.

The next layer - the middle layer defines my liking to that person to the point where I'd miss him so much and would try to keep in contact with him or appears whenever I know he'd be there too. I would cyber "stalk" to find out all the details and info I need to know abt him. I would even try talking to his circle of friends and make friends with them. I would try to even ask him out on one to one date because I'm just too attached to him mentally. He's in my heart and that's loving and no longer like. Sacrifices could be made unconsciously. Level of commitment becomes high. But will still give chances to those who are still in the dating option because things doesn't go well or didn't seem right.

One must possessed certain qualities and character in order for me to reach this layer. For e.g: interesting, funny, cool, charming, charitable, decisive and enchanting. That's the guy I've been hitting on lately. How soon he has alrdy reached this layer.

The core of layer / the innermost layer is the I-will-Ydie-for-Him and will make HUGEsacrifices
This is the most critical part. It suggest that that person I'm in love with has the potential to be my further partner and is my Mr Right. I cannot go wrong with him because I know whatever he possessed is all that I need and all I ever wanted. He's perfect to me and there's no second looking or thought about loving another person.  He certainly must be God-fearing, remarkable in His works and in the areas that he's responsibled for. In my whole lifetime till now, I've only had one person who made all the way up to this layer. He's ben.. The one I've fall in love so madly and badly. Hurt so much and even wanna take my life away becos I've lose it all when he's never mine to begin with.

Yes, I'm afraid. I am very afraid of what will be coming.. I don't know how to stop this urge.. But I do wanna see more from him. My desires are in conflict. I'm really confused..whether to go ahead or to let it go..

Right now, I still wanna keep holding on.. Because letting go should be the last option.. I don't wanna miss it agn. I don't wanna stop feeling nothing at all. My heart is telling me to go ahead, yet my mind says no becos he's not the right one and should stop pursing all those vain things - the illusive dream.

The best gift

Hi readers

So guess what? It's really nice to hear what I've mistaken abt him.
He never went to any of those "bad" places :) I'm so glad

The most rewarding part is that he has agreed to attend the enchanting event as my partner :)
Can't be more exciting, to wear my favorite new dress and shoes :)
With him, I'd dance in the storm with my best dress fearless :) even though I don't know how to dance!

Such an awesome day. Really thank God for him

Continue to follow me on this blog!

Bye readers :)

Oh God why...

Something is definitely wrong with me..
Why?!? I've got it all wrong. Wrong abt him.
I'm actually quite glad that it's good that I've got it all wrong.
Definitely great :) good news

Muhahahaha

Just feel like going on "cold turkey"

Dear readers

I've been struggling whether to ask him out agn..
I really think that I've been talking to him too often. After he came back from overseas, I've talked to him almost every single day. The longest record was not talking for a day and that's it. I don't wanna get myself into this trouble agn. Like falling in love with someone I don't exactly know who he is and being an overly attached obsessed person. I hate it..I'm sure he'll hate it too. I personally feel that he has no intention to further anything with me..just a girl to chill out with. Thats perhaps my karma. I've been doing to those guys who I'm not interested in and practically "used" them to chill out cos I'm bored and don't wanna stay home. Besides, cos they're guys, so most of the time, they'd offer to treat me.. And cos they're interested in me, they give a lot of attention to me..How can I possibly turn them off when they're in fact nice and not that bad looking.

So I guess, he might have the same mentality as me too.. Perhaps he alrdy has a gf now. I didn't even ask him about his love advancements.

I feel so insecure. So scared of turning him off. Fear of rejections and disappointments lined up. With this, I've decided not to ask him out nor text him agn.. I shall leave it until I can't take it or something else happen. Hopefully I can managed to convince myself to do so. Although I don't deserve it, but I still hope that he'd question on my "cold turkey" someday when he found out something is amiss. Perhaps he wouldn't even feel that something is amiss cos he couldn't care less since I mean absolutely nothing to him - which is likely going to happen.

mann..I feel so lousy :( :( I shall occupy myself with lotsa interesting activities den!
SHALL DO THAT! Or have I alrdy done that? mm, don't think that's enough to stop the urge, shall find more stuffs to do!

the dejected.
Bye readers

Astroscoop?

Hey readers!

It's been awhile yea? How's everything?

Well, here's my whatsapp status, "Why am I feeling so afraid of losing you when you were never mine to begin with?" It sums up my whole experience after the first date - A date with a new crush, or should I say it should be infatuation? I'm still rather confused with those terms.

Oh well, the feb issue of teenage magazine is just awesome! Although I was kinda disappointed by the gift - which is a pen (useful tho!), but it has got the following:

1. TAYLOR SWIFT COVER STORY - Omgosh! I love taylor to the max. I couldn't agree more when the author describes the 12 things we love about Taylor. The one that has strucked me the most was the one about turning heartbreak into hits.

2. The QUIZ! - a. Are you high-maintenance? And I found out that I'm actually a laid-back chick that attracts people to me. b. Do you change for your crush? The answer is NO! It says that I have just the right amount of personality and adaptability. Knowing exactly when to meet your crush halfway and when not to give in to their requests. Doesn't believe in changing myself blindly for love but take his feedback into consideration, thus transforming myself into a better person. WOOTS! that's me : D. c. Will you keep your crush? Well, this quiz answer disappoints me. It clearly shows that I'm a crush pleaser. I hope that I can be a crush keeper instead.

3. The very accurate "astroscoop". - It's like OMGOSH when I read about my love life from another magazine a few months ago. Saying that there'll someone who's really keen on me that I'm not interested in and advise me to "friendzone" him, which is true! It HAPPENED!

Now this month's predictions about love life is kinda true too. It says that my crush may be different from what I've imagined! IT'S SOOOOO TRUE OMGOSH OMGOSH! But the advice is that liking someone involves accepting their shortcomings cos u don't ditch who you like just because you guys are going through a rough patch. Find ways to work things out.

OK, now what? Find ways to work things out? How? It's been really trying to talk to him a nowadays. I wanna give up on sunday until he came texting and reported that his suckerfish died. HE NEVER INITIATES CONVO. THAT was the first one okay? So what can I do? ASK HIM OUT AGAIN? It says that if your date turns out to be a total bore, I should give him another chance. Ya, mabbe I should start asking him out.

Anw, as for him, the prediction about him is quite true too. It says that he's looking smoking hot these days, having a awesome personality. So whenever he goes, he make quite an impression. Asking him to get out there, meet somebody and let the sparks fly.

So after looking at his love predictions, I'm all set to plan for the next date. We both love chinatown. Chinatown will be it! ASK WHEN HE'LL BE FREE TINGGGGG!

4. This article about annoying couple alert really really cracks me up.
a. For couples who dress alike, we don't need ur outfits to remind us
b. For couples who post lovey-dovey stuffs so often on FB.. PLEASE LAH.. DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE SMS?!? seriously when i fight with my parents, I don't change my status to orphan. So pls lah, don't need to change ur r/s status here and there.
c. DITCH UR FRIENDS? there was a study that said about losing 3 of ur besties when u're dating. I hope that I won't have to lose any. I'll meet my friends as per normal.
d. Losing individuality by associating with ur partner too much e.g. saying WE loved that movie etc.
e. Bringing ur partner to EVERYWHERE YOU GO. I've got friends which are like this. TOTALLY turns me off.
f. Walking slowly in a crowded area. OMGOSH, don't be a roadblock.
g. It's just gross to see couple crawling over each other at non-romantic public areas. SUCH AN EYESORE
h. SILLY NICKY NAMES - Sappy ones? Keep them to themselves pls.

5. THIS MONTH'S ISSUE TALKS A LOT ABOUT FIRST DATES AND CRUSH - simply love it.
I'm so happy that I've only done 1 DON'Ts for my first date - WHICH IS MANNER. I didn't bother to say please or thank you i think. Oh wait, I think I did when he bought the tau huay. So that Don't is scrapped off.

BUT den again, I arrived late. Okay 2 mins late to be exact. But he waited longer den 2 mins cos he arrived earlier dan the time we agreed on. I was kinda surprised to see him knocked out. I prolly killed his mood by arriving late??.

Okay, I'm not too bad for the first date despite not reading up on anything at all. But I'm hoping that there'll be a second date :)

Wish me luck. Trying to give chance to ask. But first, I need to see money in my bank acc first.

LOVEEE
BYE READERS! :]

haven't even started, feels like its over

Dear readers

Have you ever felt this way before? Haven't started, but felt as though its alrdy over?

I thought I could really make it thru this time - which is preparing my heart for a new love, a new beginning.
But somehow things just doesn't fall in place. I'm very sure what kind of guy and standards I have, but I seems to be drifting away from the standards and just fall in love randomly with someone, perhaps a stranger to me still. I felt that as I start to want someone like this, I'm changing myself unknowingly to that kinda girl he probably wants me to be. Okay, just in case any of you didn't know what's going on, I've moved on from Ben. I started liking this cool dude that I've seen him once in my life before 10jan. He was sitting down with his grp of friends, so I didn't know he's actually quite short in stature at that point of time. I kinda start hitting on him by chatting him up on fb and suggest a dinner date. (FYI: It's definitely not my style of doing things k?)

It was quite disappointing for our first meet up. I thought things will advance more - get his number, get his family background, find out about his love advancements or history. It all didn't happened. I was dying to know, but I just felt it was too random to ask. Instead, I told him I ate shit before when I was young and he looked dam disgusted. He said that no guys' gona kiss you if u tell them dat. Gosh. I should've not blabber it. Now I know I'm not going to get any kiss from him. Damn it.

The whole dinner was like a chillax session - to him. But for me, I felt terribly self conscious and in a way stress. Cause I know he's observing me and I got feedbacks from him. And gosh, the way he eats the chicken totally feels makes him feels so hot. But to be true, I've got a mixed feelings. I felt that he's cute and cool, but..there's something that makes me feel like this is not the right guy. He's not at the same spiritual track as I do cause he said he does something which I feel its not okay. I mean I think that there's really a problem with it, and he's just enjoying it. And because of this, I don't know if I should carry on meeting him or I should just avoid him at all cost before things gets started and I'm starting to screw it up.

On the other hand, I can't seems to get my mind away from it - thinking about our first meet up, the stuffs I told him that made him smile so cutely, the things he said. Gosh, it's like he has cast a spell on me. Now it's 4.12am and I can't even sleep. All my mind was about him cos he appeared in my dreams for so many days ever since we've confirmed the dinner date. Gosh, It's dam scary. It starts to creep in and feel as though my soul would be devoured by him.

I'm really in a dilemma. I missed him but at the same time, knowing that I cannot be with him and the best way is to let go agn. I really don't want to do that, but I have to. So I guess I still can meet up with him, but really have to turn on the let-go-and-be-friends mindset/mode.

It really sucks isn't it? How great it'd be if he doesn't have that kinda lifestyle and mindset. and prolly if he's taller, it'd be perfect.

At this point of time, I couldn't help comparing with him and Ben. In a way, I still find Ben a perfect partner to be with the rest of my life. Although the feelings for Ben are almost gone but he's still my golden standard when looking for a partner. He's ever so flawless and perfect. I'm really jealous of his gf - able to spend her time with such perfect and awesome dude. I bet I can hardly sleep if I were her.

Anyway, it's so disappointing that I felt he's not really keen on me. There's a lot of things that a guy would do and say to a person he's interested in..but this dude, he didn't even hint. I guess it's a one-sided thing agn. which means all the pursuing have to be done by me in order to make this happen - which I can't cos I gotta let go. And if this drags on, he'd prolly be attached to somebody else like Ben because I didn't grab the opportunity. I'd miss this and be jealous, bitter and feel lousy if thats ever gona happen. That totally sucks. But I can kinda predict that this will most likely be happening unless miracle happens - we both like each other dam a lot until i can void his flaws or either he has changed to a upright and righteous young man...which I think there's only a 0.0000000000000001% chance of happening it.

Oh wells, I'll just leave it to the hands of God..I'm sure He has got better plans for me :)

Nights readers
-continue to follow me on this blog yea?-