A desire for a change

Dear readers

Its time for a BIGGER change! It's time to stop being the so called "normal" Shi Ting.
The girl who always laugh for no reason, a girl who wants to find pleasure in the sight of both men and God, even to the sins of the world...she'd gladly give in.

For all this time....all this while...
I'm struggling with my personal lusts and desires...
I couldn't let go of my feelings....to the point that I felt that I think I had put him first than God..
Its so obvious and I couldn't deny.

Everytime when I enter facebook...he'll be in my page.
Everytime I walked into the house of the Lord, I'll pretend to be okay...But I keep asking myself...Where is he? Did he come to church today? If not, I keep thinking why..
Everytime when I sat somewhere near him...
I got distracted...lost focus on the Lord.
Whenever I didn't get the attention I wanted,
I played sad songs on piano...unknowingly...


I've actually idiolised a man whom I think that he loves God without knowing whether is true a not..
( Because only God knows the hearts of all man and I will not know the true motives of the hearts of men. So I've got no right to say or to judge that he's someone who loves God.)

I'm not made to love a godly man more than God.
In fact, this is a TRAP! IT'S A BAD THING!
All this are nothing. Not of ANY ETERNAL VALUE!
ITS WORSE THAN ANYTHING ELSE FOR IT REMAINS IN MY HEART FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME!
The Lord will not be pleased and this might even provoke Him to anger.
The Lord knows my heart and identified this problem.
For this very reason, I desire to let him go a while ago.
But time passed, I was bored or restless...
Having many friends who have a beautiful romance...
I desire to have someone whom I like to be around with me..
I desire of someone that could bring the best out of me, like no one else can do. I wanted it so badly till I lost control of myself...always imagine if he is with me that kind of thing.

So here again, I want this to be a reminder for myself...
That there is no creature hidden from His sight,
but all things are NAKED and OPEN to the eyes of Him to whom WE MUST GIVE ACCOUNT. -Heb 4:13
There'll be judgment. Because sin brough chaos within the system, and it's going against the character of God. Thus, sin and evil must be atoned for.
So sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon me.
I definitely cannot bear the wrath of God and His judgments,
its too great for me to bear...too scary to think of it...I cannot give any reasonable account to Him.

So, I desire for a change...different from the world.
People changed looks to look more attractive, more pleasing to the eyes of men.
But as for me, I desire to change my heart, to be only pleasing unto eyes of the Lord.

Ask me why...
because He first loved me...and He never gives up loving me day by day.

Alright, back to some of the things that has occurred..
it's nothing happening actually. only that particular struggle that I'd mentioned bothers me a lot.
I wore a shoe that gave me blisters all over my foot. Its painful. But somehow, it doesn't feel that pain anymore. Its a shoe that my brother bought for me. So glad to know that he's sweet to me. Its really a great privileged. U know...its like the kind of feeling that some one whom doesn't seems to care suddenly became so thoughtful and nice..that kind of joy that I felt when my brother bought that pair of shoe for me :)

I felt so blessed to have so many friends contacting me recently...
Cared for me...
Their actions does let me feel so blessed :)
I can't hope for more but only to thank God for them.
I hope that I'll show more care and concern to them too. Be more selfless and more considerate.

Bye readers!

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my prayer through a song...

Father, I know that all my live
Is portioned our for me,
the changes that are sure to come
I do not fear to see;
I ask Thee for a quiet mind
Intent on pleasing Thee.

I ask Thee for a thoughtful love,
Through constant watching wise,
To meet the glad with joyful smiles,
To wipe the weeping eyes;
A heart at leisure from itself,
To soothe and sympathize.

I would not have the restless will
That hurries to and fro,
Seeking for some great thing to do
Or secret thing to know,
I would be treated as a child,
guided where I go.

I ask Thee for daily strength
To none that asks denied;
A mind to blend with outward life,
While keeping at Thy side;
Content to fill a little space,
If Thou be glorified.

Wherever in the world I am,
In whatsoever estate,
I have a fellowship with hearts
To keep and cultivate,
A work of lowly love to do
For Him on Whom I wait.

In service which Thy will appoints
There are no bonds for me;
My inmost heart is taught the Truth
That makes Thy children free;
A life of self-renouncing love
Is one of liberty.

Amen.

What should I do?

Hey readers! [:

I had been doing my quiet time consistently yea? Though its 1am now... But I shall put my date as 31 July and bracket its for 30 july!

Well, I'm on a TIGHT budget. Thinking of bdae gift for my buddy and at the same time, I wanna rebond my fringe...and buy new shoes for myself. I guess I can't. :(

Hafta settle my friend's bdae gift first..den either do rebonding or new clothes/shoes. :(

HAISSS (sighs)

Well, I have to sacrifice my new shoes and rebonding den.

Okay..after blogging I know what to do! LOL!
As for new clothes, shall order in bulk with my friends. theres this online blogspot thinggy that sells clothes (nice Tee shirt) at 5.90/3.90 only! :D

Oh yea, by the way...
To let go of one person is definitely not easy.
The more you wanna let go...somehow the person keeps on appearing near me!
WHAT SHOULD I DOO when he's near me..?!?!?!
(Actually I just ignored)


bye readers! [:

Letting go is NOT EASY!!

Hey readers!

BAD NEWS BAD NEWS!!!
I just couldn't imagine I could get jealous over tiny winy things...
I'd browsed through the photo album which had so many pics of my crush and my friend (shes not close to me.)
She's like getting cuter and cuter...
Getting sporty and cool.
While I'm rotting away...UT fever and nothing.

Yupp...and my crush was there during her mini birthday celebration.
Its mini becos theres only, my crush's so called "mum", my crush himself, my friend's mom and herself. They even had like a amazing race, where they'll stalk her and leave postcards to give her clue to the destination (the place where they will celebrate her birthday!) They went singapore flyer...taking awesome loadds of pics (many of him and her..Urgh) and I never had a chance to even set a foot into the flyer...not to even say taking pics with him.. :((

And now I just couldn't revise A n P because I'm in the midst to control myself to start any conversation with him...I just cant talk to him in MSN...I just dunnoe why.. I just find it so hard to stop having this kinda feeling. It's totally messy and it terrible.

I dunnno why I like him in the first place.

*kay cool down*
Sorry, but I'm seriously venting my emotions here.

I hope it will not get any worse.
and I will only remember....
JESUS ONLY AND LET GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (of my crush)

bye readers [:

I'll let go. It's a better choice

Dear readers

Perhaps somehow, have you ever thought that for every person that walked into your life, have its purpose? What is it exactly? Have you all ever thought about that? Its a rather important question for you to think about...because just letting life pass and not trying to see the true purpose, does made life meaningless and made you feel lost.

Anyway, back to the secret crush thing... It hasn't been really good..nor has it been worse..
I just felt that I need to stop holding to those unrealistic hopes. I've been imaginating the things that we can do. The cookies that I MUST learn and the way I should treat you :) However, I feel that being in one sided love isn't any way near "productive". I had to let go of those thoughts, perhaps feelings too.

Letting go is when you have to let go something so precious (which you have been holding on to).
But giving out is when you felt the thing is something that you can't achieve ; something that you can't make it achievable (makes u feel hopeless) , or you just don't give a try and had never hold on to it.

Its just different...between letting go and giving up...
Let me give you an example:

Its like a guy loves a girl. And likewise for the girl too. But due to some difficult circumstances, the girl had let go of the feelings that she had for the guy. But if the guy knows that she's leaving and did not try to keep her to stay, he's giving up..and that's a total loser. If he made his best effort to try to keep the girl to stay, hugging her and don't let her go, he is not giving up. But if the girl choose to leave him still (probably for a good reason), and he decided to let her go, then he's not a total loser..

Because or perhaps, when you let go of something, you actually gained something too. WHAT'S THAT SOMETHING?! Its fact. Yes, it's fact. You'll then know that whether both of you are for each other. Cause if the girl realised that she had been thinking and she just needed him when shes far far away, she'll get back to him sooner or later.. So, if things are meant to be yours, it will be yours one day. I always believe that :D

Well, of course, there's a reason why we all have hormones. Its something that its involuntary..
My heart might be beating very fast when I see him, but I can stop myself from thinking of ways to get his attention! :]]

Let my life be only Yours, my Lord, my God...
Only You can take the first place in my heart.
Right now it's so so hard to focus on You......
I had been thinking about him too much.....
I see him in my dreams.. I love the way I could get to close to him...
But its not right. Just let my live my life freely in Your will.

BYE READERS! :]]

slowing down, look around

Hey readers! [:

Its me again!!!! Don't feel really energetic nowadays...
Feeling weary and perhaps lonely. There isn't anything that I can really enjoy...
I just keep on rejecting or rather refuse to go to work. I'm kinda sad cos I really got no money to spend on the things I like. Cos I'm like trying to save up just in case I feel like rebonding my hair again.

While I was walking to YCK mrt station... I just start to walk a little slower...I felt that ever since I get into poly.. I feel that I'm like getting younger. Not the looks lah (Oh actually can lah.. the looks, cos less pimples and less white hair. Den hair nicer oso.. so dun look like auntie anymore :X) Its actually the way I do things. I used to rush here and there....till im out of breath. But nowadays, I felt that I'm more slack..though sometimes a bit tense in class. But well, its not as stressful as Os. and definitely more freedom! YES! THATS THE WORD!! FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!
FREEDOM to do things! to play games! to have fun!!! :D More time to look around....at pretty stuffs/scenery...at handsome/cute guys. MORE TIME FOR DRAMA!!!!! and msn!


But it seems like I'm still not having more time for God. still wasting my time and not discipline enuff to sit down and meditate on His word. *sighs*


KAY, gotta catch my korean drama now.
BYE READERS! [:

Crazy about him, but why do I feel so down suddenly?

Hey readers! [:


Arhh...so in loveeeeeee...arhhh~~~
dreamy feelings... *mmmmmmm*

How can he be so perfect?????

I miss you loadds :( Although we were just a distance apart, and noticed that u look up the stairs, but still, I just didn't talk to u, or even greet u :(

*SIGHS*

BYE READERS [:

About Life, About Me .

What's me?

I'm like the "kai xin guo". This "Kai Xin Guo" are those nuts that people likes to eat during chinese new year.

Why am I like nuts? Am I nuts?!?

Actually, why I described myself as Kai Xin Guo is because...

Sometimes you only need to put in a little effort to open that slighlty cracked Kai Xin Guo in order to enjoy that little nut. Just like me...You just have to simply tap on my shoulder or wink at me etc., do something that require little effort, you'll make me laugh! I am serious! :D

And sometimes, an awful cheeky stare at me, which Iqmal always did will make me laugh too!
But guess what, I think that Kai Xin Guo would taste awfully sweet too! hahaha!

But when life's get hard, just like one of the Kai Xin Guo's shell...so hard...so hard to crack... so hard to get the nut of the shell..
I might need more care, more concern, more msgs, more dates, and more one-to-one talk etc. to get my "shell" more brittle in order of you to make me smile/laugh (:

I found that life is simple. Its sometimes complex because it involves in emotions, which is very subjective.
It is sometimes tough, because of challenges and difficulties. But I believe that after very storm, there'll be rainbow. And its where I'll be you at the rainbow's end...where'll never get separated.

Love you, those people who made me laugh