Something is definitely wrong with me..
Why?!? I've got it all wrong. Wrong abt him.
I'm actually quite glad that it's good that I've got it all wrong.
Definitely great :) good news
Muhahahaha
Friday, January 25, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Just feel like going on "cold turkey"
Dear readers
I've been struggling whether to ask him out agn..
I really think that I've been talking to him too often. After he came back from overseas, I've talked to him almost every single day. The longest record was not talking for a day and that's it. I don't wanna get myself into this trouble agn. Like falling in love with someone I don't exactly know who he is and being an overly attached obsessed person. I hate it..I'm sure he'll hate it too. I personally feel that he has no intention to further anything with me..just a girl to chill out with. Thats perhaps my karma. I've been doing to those guys who I'm not interested in and practically "used" them to chill out cos I'm bored and don't wanna stay home. Besides, cos they're guys, so most of the time, they'd offer to treat me.. And cos they're interested in me, they give a lot of attention to me..How can I possibly turn them off when they're in fact nice and not that bad looking.
So I guess, he might have the same mentality as me too.. Perhaps he alrdy has a gf now. I didn't even ask him about his love advancements.
I feel so insecure. So scared of turning him off. Fear of rejections and disappointments lined up. With this, I've decided not to ask him out nor text him agn.. I shall leave it until I can't take it or something else happen. Hopefully I can managed to convince myself to do so. Although I don't deserve it, but I still hope that he'd question on my "cold turkey" someday when he found out something is amiss. Perhaps he wouldn't even feel that something is amiss cos he couldn't care less since I mean absolutely nothing to him - which is likely going to happen.
mann..I feel so lousy :( :( I shall occupy myself with lotsa interesting activities den!
SHALL DO THAT! Or have I alrdy done that? mm, don't think that's enough to stop the urge, shall find more stuffs to do!
the dejected.
Bye readers
I've been struggling whether to ask him out agn..
I really think that I've been talking to him too often. After he came back from overseas, I've talked to him almost every single day. The longest record was not talking for a day and that's it. I don't wanna get myself into this trouble agn. Like falling in love with someone I don't exactly know who he is and being an overly attached obsessed person. I hate it..I'm sure he'll hate it too. I personally feel that he has no intention to further anything with me..just a girl to chill out with. Thats perhaps my karma. I've been doing to those guys who I'm not interested in and practically "used" them to chill out cos I'm bored and don't wanna stay home. Besides, cos they're guys, so most of the time, they'd offer to treat me.. And cos they're interested in me, they give a lot of attention to me..How can I possibly turn them off when they're in fact nice and not that bad looking.
So I guess, he might have the same mentality as me too.. Perhaps he alrdy has a gf now. I didn't even ask him about his love advancements.
I feel so insecure. So scared of turning him off. Fear of rejections and disappointments lined up. With this, I've decided not to ask him out nor text him agn.. I shall leave it until I can't take it or something else happen. Hopefully I can managed to convince myself to do so. Although I don't deserve it, but I still hope that he'd question on my "cold turkey" someday when he found out something is amiss. Perhaps he wouldn't even feel that something is amiss cos he couldn't care less since I mean absolutely nothing to him - which is likely going to happen.
mann..I feel so lousy :( :( I shall occupy myself with lotsa interesting activities den!
SHALL DO THAT! Or have I alrdy done that? mm, don't think that's enough to stop the urge, shall find more stuffs to do!
the dejected.
Bye readers
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Astroscoop?
Hey readers!
It's been awhile yea? How's everything?
Well, here's my whatsapp status, "Why am I feeling so afraid of losing you when you were never mine to begin with?" It sums up my whole experience after the first date - A date with a new crush, or should I say it should be infatuation? I'm still rather confused with those terms.
Oh well, the feb issue of teenage magazine is just awesome! Although I was kinda disappointed by the gift - which is a pen (useful tho!), but it has got the following:
1. TAYLOR SWIFT COVER STORY - Omgosh! I love taylor to the max. I couldn't agree more when the author describes the 12 things we love about Taylor. The one that has strucked me the most was the one about turning heartbreak into hits.
2. The QUIZ! - a. Are you high-maintenance? And I found out that I'm actually a laid-back chick that attracts people to me. b. Do you change for your crush? The answer is NO! It says that I have just the right amount of personality and adaptability. Knowing exactly when to meet your crush halfway and when not to give in to their requests. Doesn't believe in changing myself blindly for love but take his feedback into consideration, thus transforming myself into a better person. WOOTS! that's me : D. c. Will you keep your crush? Well, this quiz answer disappoints me. It clearly shows that I'm a crush pleaser. I hope that I can be a crush keeper instead.
3. The very accurate "astroscoop". - It's like OMGOSH when I read about my love life from another magazine a few months ago. Saying that there'll someone who's really keen on me that I'm not interested in and advise me to "friendzone" him, which is true! It HAPPENED!
Now this month's predictions about love life is kinda true too. It says that my crush may be different from what I've imagined! IT'S SOOOOO TRUE OMGOSH OMGOSH! But the advice is that liking someone involves accepting their shortcomings cos u don't ditch who you like just because you guys are going through a rough patch. Find ways to work things out.
OK, now what? Find ways to work things out? How? It's been really trying to talk to him a nowadays. I wanna give up on sunday until he came texting and reported that his suckerfish died. HE NEVER INITIATES CONVO. THAT was the first one okay? So what can I do? ASK HIM OUT AGAIN? It says that if your date turns out to be a total bore, I should give him another chance. Ya, mabbe I should start asking him out.
Anw, as for him, the prediction about him is quite true too. It says that he's looking smoking hot these days, having a awesome personality. So whenever he goes, he make quite an impression. Asking him to get out there, meet somebody and let the sparks fly.
So after looking at his love predictions, I'm all set to plan for the next date. We both love chinatown. Chinatown will be it! ASK WHEN HE'LL BE FREE TINGGGGG!
4. This article about annoying couple alert really really cracks me up.
a. For couples who dress alike, we don't need ur outfits to remind us
b. For couples who post lovey-dovey stuffs so often on FB.. PLEASE LAH.. DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE SMS?!? seriously when i fight with my parents, I don't change my status to orphan. So pls lah, don't need to change ur r/s status here and there.
c. DITCH UR FRIENDS? there was a study that said about losing 3 of ur besties when u're dating. I hope that I won't have to lose any. I'll meet my friends as per normal.
d. Losing individuality by associating with ur partner too much e.g. saying WE loved that movie etc.
e. Bringing ur partner to EVERYWHERE YOU GO. I've got friends which are like this. TOTALLY turns me off.
f. Walking slowly in a crowded area. OMGOSH, don't be a roadblock.
g. It's just gross to see couple crawling over each other at non-romantic public areas. SUCH AN EYESORE
h. SILLY NICKY NAMES - Sappy ones? Keep them to themselves pls.
5. THIS MONTH'S ISSUE TALKS A LOT ABOUT FIRST DATES AND CRUSH - simply love it.
I'm so happy that I've only done 1 DON'Ts for my first date - WHICH IS MANNER. I didn't bother to say please or thank you i think. Oh wait, I think I did when he bought the tau huay. So that Don't is scrapped off.
BUT den again, I arrived late. Okay 2 mins late to be exact. But he waited longer den 2 mins cos he arrived earlier dan the time we agreed on. I was kinda surprised to see him knocked out. I prolly killed his mood by arriving late??.
Okay, I'm not too bad for the first date despite not reading up on anything at all. But I'm hoping that there'll be a second date :)
Wish me luck. Trying to give chance to ask. But first, I need to see money in my bank acc first.
LOVEEE
BYE READERS! :]
It's been awhile yea? How's everything?
Well, here's my whatsapp status, "Why am I feeling so afraid of losing you when you were never mine to begin with?" It sums up my whole experience after the first date - A date with a new crush, or should I say it should be infatuation? I'm still rather confused with those terms.
Oh well, the feb issue of teenage magazine is just awesome! Although I was kinda disappointed by the gift - which is a pen (useful tho!), but it has got the following:
1. TAYLOR SWIFT COVER STORY - Omgosh! I love taylor to the max. I couldn't agree more when the author describes the 12 things we love about Taylor. The one that has strucked me the most was the one about turning heartbreak into hits.
2. The QUIZ! - a. Are you high-maintenance? And I found out that I'm actually a laid-back chick that attracts people to me. b. Do you change for your crush? The answer is NO! It says that I have just the right amount of personality and adaptability. Knowing exactly when to meet your crush halfway and when not to give in to their requests. Doesn't believe in changing myself blindly for love but take his feedback into consideration, thus transforming myself into a better person. WOOTS! that's me : D. c. Will you keep your crush? Well, this quiz answer disappoints me. It clearly shows that I'm a crush pleaser. I hope that I can be a crush keeper instead.
3. The very accurate "astroscoop". - It's like OMGOSH when I read about my love life from another magazine a few months ago. Saying that there'll someone who's really keen on me that I'm not interested in and advise me to "friendzone" him, which is true! It HAPPENED!
Now this month's predictions about love life is kinda true too. It says that my crush may be different from what I've imagined! IT'S SOOOOO TRUE OMGOSH OMGOSH! But the advice is that liking someone involves accepting their shortcomings cos u don't ditch who you like just because you guys are going through a rough patch. Find ways to work things out.
OK, now what? Find ways to work things out? How? It's been really trying to talk to him a nowadays. I wanna give up on sunday until he came texting and reported that his suckerfish died. HE NEVER INITIATES CONVO. THAT was the first one okay? So what can I do? ASK HIM OUT AGAIN? It says that if your date turns out to be a total bore, I should give him another chance. Ya, mabbe I should start asking him out.
Anw, as for him, the prediction about him is quite true too. It says that he's looking smoking hot these days, having a awesome personality. So whenever he goes, he make quite an impression. Asking him to get out there, meet somebody and let the sparks fly.
So after looking at his love predictions, I'm all set to plan for the next date. We both love chinatown. Chinatown will be it! ASK WHEN HE'LL BE FREE TINGGGGG!
4. This article about annoying couple alert really really cracks me up.
a. For couples who dress alike, we don't need ur outfits to remind us
b. For couples who post lovey-dovey stuffs so often on FB.. PLEASE LAH.. DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE SMS?!? seriously when i fight with my parents, I don't change my status to orphan. So pls lah, don't need to change ur r/s status here and there.
c. DITCH UR FRIENDS? there was a study that said about losing 3 of ur besties when u're dating. I hope that I won't have to lose any. I'll meet my friends as per normal.
d. Losing individuality by associating with ur partner too much e.g. saying WE loved that movie etc.
e. Bringing ur partner to EVERYWHERE YOU GO. I've got friends which are like this. TOTALLY turns me off.
f. Walking slowly in a crowded area. OMGOSH, don't be a roadblock.
g. It's just gross to see couple crawling over each other at non-romantic public areas. SUCH AN EYESORE
h. SILLY NICKY NAMES - Sappy ones? Keep them to themselves pls.
5. THIS MONTH'S ISSUE TALKS A LOT ABOUT FIRST DATES AND CRUSH - simply love it.
I'm so happy that I've only done 1 DON'Ts for my first date - WHICH IS MANNER. I didn't bother to say please or thank you i think. Oh wait, I think I did when he bought the tau huay. So that Don't is scrapped off.
BUT den again, I arrived late. Okay 2 mins late to be exact. But he waited longer den 2 mins cos he arrived earlier dan the time we agreed on. I was kinda surprised to see him knocked out. I prolly killed his mood by arriving late??.
Okay, I'm not too bad for the first date despite not reading up on anything at all. But I'm hoping that there'll be a second date :)
Wish me luck. Trying to give chance to ask. But first, I need to see money in my bank acc first.
LOVEEE
BYE READERS! :]
Thursday, January 10, 2013
haven't even started, feels like its over
Dear readers
Have you ever felt this way before? Haven't started, but felt as though its alrdy over?
I thought I could really make it thru this time - which is preparing my heart for a new love, a new beginning.
But somehow things just doesn't fall in place. I'm very sure what kind of guy and standards I have, but I seems to be drifting away from the standards and just fall in love randomly with someone, perhaps a stranger to me still. I felt that as I start to want someone like this, I'm changing myself unknowingly to that kinda girl he probably wants me to be. Okay, just in case any of you didn't know what's going on, I've moved on from Ben. I started liking this cool dude that I've seen him once in my life before 10jan. He was sitting down with his grp of friends, so I didn't know he's actually quite short in stature at that point of time. I kinda start hitting on him by chatting him up on fb and suggest a dinner date. (FYI: It's definitely not my style of doing things k?)
It was quite disappointing for our first meet up. I thought things will advance more - get his number, get his family background, find out about his love advancements or history. It all didn't happened. I was dying to know, but I just felt it was too random to ask. Instead, I told him I ate shit before when I was young and he looked dam disgusted. He said that no guys' gona kiss you if u tell them dat. Gosh. I should've not blabber it. Now I know I'm not going to get any kiss from him. Damn it.
The whole dinner was like a chillax session - to him. But for me, I felt terribly self conscious and in a way stress. Cause I know he's observing me and I got feedbacks from him. And gosh, the way he eats the chicken totally feels makes him feels so hot. But to be true, I've got a mixed feelings. I felt that he's cute and cool, but..there's something that makes me feel like this is not the right guy. He's not at the same spiritual track as I do cause he said he does something which I feel its not okay. I mean I think that there's really a problem with it, and he's just enjoying it. And because of this, I don't know if I should carry on meeting him or I should just avoid him at all cost before things gets started and I'm starting to screw it up.
On the other hand, I can't seems to get my mind away from it - thinking about our first meet up, the stuffs I told him that made him smile so cutely, the things he said. Gosh, it's like he has cast a spell on me. Now it's 4.12am and I can't even sleep. All my mind was about him cos he appeared in my dreams for so many days ever since we've confirmed the dinner date. Gosh, It's dam scary. It starts to creep in and feel as though my soul would be devoured by him.
I'm really in a dilemma. I missed him but at the same time, knowing that I cannot be with him and the best way is to let go agn. I really don't want to do that, but I have to. So I guess I still can meet up with him, but really have to turn on the let-go-and-be-friends mindset/mode.
It really sucks isn't it? How great it'd be if he doesn't have that kinda lifestyle and mindset. and prolly if he's taller, it'd be perfect.
At this point of time, I couldn't help comparing with him and Ben. In a way, I still find Ben a perfect partner to be with the rest of my life. Although the feelings for Ben are almost gone but he's still my golden standard when looking for a partner. He's ever so flawless and perfect. I'm really jealous of his gf - able to spend her time with such perfect and awesome dude. I bet I can hardly sleep if I were her.
Anyway, it's so disappointing that I felt he's not really keen on me. There's a lot of things that a guy would do and say to a person he's interested in..but this dude, he didn't even hint. I guess it's a one-sided thing agn. which means all the pursuing have to be done by me in order to make this happen - which I can't cos I gotta let go. And if this drags on, he'd prolly be attached to somebody else like Ben because I didn't grab the opportunity. I'd miss this and be jealous, bitter and feel lousy if thats ever gona happen. That totally sucks. But I can kinda predict that this will most likely be happening unless miracle happens - we both like each other dam a lot until i can void his flaws or either he has changed to a upright and righteous young man...which I think there's only a 0.0000000000000001% chance of happening it.
Oh wells, I'll just leave it to the hands of God..I'm sure He has got better plans for me :)
Nights readers
-continue to follow me on this blog yea?-
Have you ever felt this way before? Haven't started, but felt as though its alrdy over?
I thought I could really make it thru this time - which is preparing my heart for a new love, a new beginning.
But somehow things just doesn't fall in place. I'm very sure what kind of guy and standards I have, but I seems to be drifting away from the standards and just fall in love randomly with someone, perhaps a stranger to me still. I felt that as I start to want someone like this, I'm changing myself unknowingly to that kinda girl he probably wants me to be. Okay, just in case any of you didn't know what's going on, I've moved on from Ben. I started liking this cool dude that I've seen him once in my life before 10jan. He was sitting down with his grp of friends, so I didn't know he's actually quite short in stature at that point of time. I kinda start hitting on him by chatting him up on fb and suggest a dinner date. (FYI: It's definitely not my style of doing things k?)
It was quite disappointing for our first meet up. I thought things will advance more - get his number, get his family background, find out about his love advancements or history. It all didn't happened. I was dying to know, but I just felt it was too random to ask. Instead, I told him I ate shit before when I was young and he looked dam disgusted. He said that no guys' gona kiss you if u tell them dat. Gosh. I should've not blabber it. Now I know I'm not going to get any kiss from him. Damn it.
The whole dinner was like a chillax session - to him. But for me, I felt terribly self conscious and in a way stress. Cause I know he's observing me and I got feedbacks from him. And gosh, the way he eats the chicken totally feels makes him feels so hot. But to be true, I've got a mixed feelings. I felt that he's cute and cool, but..there's something that makes me feel like this is not the right guy. He's not at the same spiritual track as I do cause he said he does something which I feel its not okay. I mean I think that there's really a problem with it, and he's just enjoying it. And because of this, I don't know if I should carry on meeting him or I should just avoid him at all cost before things gets started and I'm starting to screw it up.
On the other hand, I can't seems to get my mind away from it - thinking about our first meet up, the stuffs I told him that made him smile so cutely, the things he said. Gosh, it's like he has cast a spell on me. Now it's 4.12am and I can't even sleep. All my mind was about him cos he appeared in my dreams for so many days ever since we've confirmed the dinner date. Gosh, It's dam scary. It starts to creep in and feel as though my soul would be devoured by him.
I'm really in a dilemma. I missed him but at the same time, knowing that I cannot be with him and the best way is to let go agn. I really don't want to do that, but I have to. So I guess I still can meet up with him, but really have to turn on the let-go-and-be-friends mindset/mode.
It really sucks isn't it? How great it'd be if he doesn't have that kinda lifestyle and mindset. and prolly if he's taller, it'd be perfect.
At this point of time, I couldn't help comparing with him and Ben. In a way, I still find Ben a perfect partner to be with the rest of my life. Although the feelings for Ben are almost gone but he's still my golden standard when looking for a partner. He's ever so flawless and perfect. I'm really jealous of his gf - able to spend her time with such perfect and awesome dude. I bet I can hardly sleep if I were her.
Anyway, it's so disappointing that I felt he's not really keen on me. There's a lot of things that a guy would do and say to a person he's interested in..but this dude, he didn't even hint. I guess it's a one-sided thing agn. which means all the pursuing have to be done by me in order to make this happen - which I can't cos I gotta let go. And if this drags on, he'd prolly be attached to somebody else like Ben because I didn't grab the opportunity. I'd miss this and be jealous, bitter and feel lousy if thats ever gona happen. That totally sucks. But I can kinda predict that this will most likely be happening unless miracle happens - we both like each other dam a lot until i can void his flaws or either he has changed to a upright and righteous young man...which I think there's only a 0.0000000000000001% chance of happening it.
Oh wells, I'll just leave it to the hands of God..I'm sure He has got better plans for me :)
Nights readers
-continue to follow me on this blog yea?-
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Give time some time to heal
Dear readers
Just about a month ago, I broke down again because I realized how much I wish he was the one with me, hanging out together and having fun. Telling myself that he's my entire forest and not just one tree.
But recently I realized that my heart starts to grow less fonder, not much pain and sour feelings. I realized that I couldn't forget about him. I know he still exists in my heart. However, I seems to be able to overcome this pain better..as though I don't feel it at all.
Sometimes this pain reminds me of the leg injury that my friend is currently having. He said that the pain is constantly there, and he's been bearing with the pain. It seems like he's used to the pain. Sometimes it hurts so much, but sometimes, it does hurts but not to the extend of breaking down (in tears). So I guess I'm used to the pain..
I just have to tell myself to give time some time to heal.
and also, to let go and let God.
To let go, so that God can do wonderful things in my life.
It's because of what I've been holding on to doesn't give Him a chance to change my life.
To put it in short..I've caused myself so much misery.
No wonder people always say that the biggest enemy is always self.
I couldn't agree more.
Bye Readers
(I hope you guys won't become like me one day. Rmb to let go and let God. He always have a better plan.)
Just about a month ago, I broke down again because I realized how much I wish he was the one with me, hanging out together and having fun. Telling myself that he's my entire forest and not just one tree.
But recently I realized that my heart starts to grow less fonder, not much pain and sour feelings. I realized that I couldn't forget about him. I know he still exists in my heart. However, I seems to be able to overcome this pain better..as though I don't feel it at all.
Sometimes this pain reminds me of the leg injury that my friend is currently having. He said that the pain is constantly there, and he's been bearing with the pain. It seems like he's used to the pain. Sometimes it hurts so much, but sometimes, it does hurts but not to the extend of breaking down (in tears). So I guess I'm used to the pain..
I just have to tell myself to give time some time to heal.
and also, to let go and let God.
To let go, so that God can do wonderful things in my life.
It's because of what I've been holding on to doesn't give Him a chance to change my life.
To put it in short..I've caused myself so much misery.
No wonder people always say that the biggest enemy is always self.
I couldn't agree more.
Bye Readers
(I hope you guys won't become like me one day. Rmb to let go and let God. He always have a better plan.)
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Don't become a liar like me
Dear readers
Recently, I discovered something very very true about myself. I cannot deny that I don't love him anymore. This is the fact. My heart is close. Nobody can come in. Because my heart is too small..only can let him stay in it. I can't kick him out...Its really bad...It's like a habit to like him.
I thought I really am able to free myself and become an available person when I started my "stronger" post.. But I really couldn't do it, no matter how hard I've tried, I always ended up in that same place. Unknowingly, I am still waiting for a miracle to happen.
For the past few weeks, I just don't understand why one guy came after another, showing their interest to me. I gave them chance by meeting them up, hoping that I can meet someone who can help me to get over him. The first one got hurt by me...I lied to him saying that my intention was to be friends with him after he told me that he likes me and hope that he can find a gf like me. Well, my actual initial intention was actually to hope that he could be the one to get over my love because when he smiles, he does has the similar smile as my love. So I've actually found a shadow of ben. But I after a while, I realized I couldn't talk to him anymore. No matter what, he is not ben. He cannot be him and I don't like him at all. It'll be very unfair to him and I don't wanna carry on anymore. Thus, I've said hurtful things to him, hoping that he will leave me. And yeah, we stopped meeting and he has not text me soon after our second "date". I didn't regret what I've done. Because I know I don't like him at all as much as I want myself to.
The next guy..he's still whatsapping me. We haven't met. But he does wants me to be his gf. He doesn't have anything similar to ben. Just that he does quite meet my expectations. Cos I've been wanting to have someone who can play badminton well, and I realized that he's actually a 2nd runner up in his poly days. I always wanted someone who have a "police" background...be it NPCC or NS in police before..and he's actually frm police canine when he's in NS. He can play the guitar and kinda makes me laugh in his messages which the first one failed to do so quite badly. Well, he is a Christian too, just like the first one. But somehow I've a bad feeling about this guy.. I think and truly felt that my heart is unwilling to welcome him into my life..
At night, I still dream of ben. I still can't seem to stop viewing his facebook. I still think of him and miss him tons. I really really hope that he's right here with me.
When I realised he's back to UK, I can't stop crying myself to sleep. The tears...i couldn't stop them from flowing. I felt so miserable. Why does he have to go back the next day after my actual bdae? I kept asking. I can't even meet him before he left...
You know how happy I was when he came to my bdae party? How precious was that photo we took? The necklace that he and mel shared to give me? The card...the words he wrote I'd never forget. I can't...It's all so precious to me. Everything he said to me that night...I remembered. He looks really tired...from his eyes I can see some blood shots. and I really appreciate it that he came over. I had a time of my life. He was there when I had a time of my life. I wish time really stopped at that moment. I wish he could never step out of my house. I wish he can always sit next to me while watching the movie. I wish he's there. I wish he's here with me. I wish..I WISHED and still have been WISHING.
It's really very difficult to let another person in my life when I've met someone so perfect. My kind of perfect. It's really THATTTTT DIFFICULT. I've really TRIED and I'm TIRED of trying. No point..it's useless..
Back when before he goes UK, I kept singing, "Please don't be in love when someone else.Please don't have somebody waiting for you." But what's the point? He was already in love with someone else by then..just that I've failed to realize.
Time passed...but I didn't move on. I'm still at the point where I was in love.
Like a fool, waiting for you.
Like a fool, unable to let go.
I am a fool. Yes, I am a fool.
But you don't know..that I'm the one person in this world who loves you the most, willing to give up my life just for you.
I really will do so, if ever there's a chance for me to protect u with my life from all the dangers.
Because I'm a fool. A fool that u'll never know she's a fool.
A complete fool, who loves you with all her heart.
and because of this love, she's able to sing the love songs till she cries.
Because all the love songs that she sang, she was thinking of you.
Whether you want or do not want, know or do not know, you are the reason for her pain.
BUT, you're the only one who can make her smile so happily and genuinely because no one in this world can ever give her that feeling. NO ONE.
Recently, I discovered something very very true about myself. I cannot deny that I don't love him anymore. This is the fact. My heart is close. Nobody can come in. Because my heart is too small..only can let him stay in it. I can't kick him out...Its really bad...It's like a habit to like him.
I thought I really am able to free myself and become an available person when I started my "stronger" post.. But I really couldn't do it, no matter how hard I've tried, I always ended up in that same place. Unknowingly, I am still waiting for a miracle to happen.
For the past few weeks, I just don't understand why one guy came after another, showing their interest to me. I gave them chance by meeting them up, hoping that I can meet someone who can help me to get over him. The first one got hurt by me...I lied to him saying that my intention was to be friends with him after he told me that he likes me and hope that he can find a gf like me. Well, my actual initial intention was actually to hope that he could be the one to get over my love because when he smiles, he does has the similar smile as my love. So I've actually found a shadow of ben. But I after a while, I realized I couldn't talk to him anymore. No matter what, he is not ben. He cannot be him and I don't like him at all. It'll be very unfair to him and I don't wanna carry on anymore. Thus, I've said hurtful things to him, hoping that he will leave me. And yeah, we stopped meeting and he has not text me soon after our second "date". I didn't regret what I've done. Because I know I don't like him at all as much as I want myself to.
The next guy..he's still whatsapping me. We haven't met. But he does wants me to be his gf. He doesn't have anything similar to ben. Just that he does quite meet my expectations. Cos I've been wanting to have someone who can play badminton well, and I realized that he's actually a 2nd runner up in his poly days. I always wanted someone who have a "police" background...be it NPCC or NS in police before..and he's actually frm police canine when he's in NS. He can play the guitar and kinda makes me laugh in his messages which the first one failed to do so quite badly. Well, he is a Christian too, just like the first one. But somehow I've a bad feeling about this guy.. I think and truly felt that my heart is unwilling to welcome him into my life..
At night, I still dream of ben. I still can't seem to stop viewing his facebook. I still think of him and miss him tons. I really really hope that he's right here with me.
When I realised he's back to UK, I can't stop crying myself to sleep. The tears...i couldn't stop them from flowing. I felt so miserable. Why does he have to go back the next day after my actual bdae? I kept asking. I can't even meet him before he left...
You know how happy I was when he came to my bdae party? How precious was that photo we took? The necklace that he and mel shared to give me? The card...the words he wrote I'd never forget. I can't...It's all so precious to me. Everything he said to me that night...I remembered. He looks really tired...from his eyes I can see some blood shots. and I really appreciate it that he came over. I had a time of my life. He was there when I had a time of my life. I wish time really stopped at that moment. I wish he could never step out of my house. I wish he can always sit next to me while watching the movie. I wish he's there. I wish he's here with me. I wish..I WISHED and still have been WISHING.
It's really very difficult to let another person in my life when I've met someone so perfect. My kind of perfect. It's really THATTTTT DIFFICULT. I've really TRIED and I'm TIRED of trying. No point..it's useless..
Back when before he goes UK, I kept singing, "Please don't be in love when someone else.Please don't have somebody waiting for you." But what's the point? He was already in love with someone else by then..just that I've failed to realize.
Time passed...but I didn't move on. I'm still at the point where I was in love.
Like a fool, waiting for you.
Like a fool, unable to let go.
I am a fool. Yes, I am a fool.
But you don't know..that I'm the one person in this world who loves you the most, willing to give up my life just for you.
I really will do so, if ever there's a chance for me to protect u with my life from all the dangers.
Because I'm a fool. A fool that u'll never know she's a fool.
A complete fool, who loves you with all her heart.
and because of this love, she's able to sing the love songs till she cries.
Because all the love songs that she sang, she was thinking of you.
Whether you want or do not want, know or do not know, you are the reason for her pain.
BUT, you're the only one who can make her smile so happily and genuinely because no one in this world can ever give her that feeling. NO ONE.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
What doesn't kills you makes you stronger
Dear Readers
I said in my previous post that if any sad things still persist, I wouldn't blog anymore. So that means that I'm now going to blog about my HAPPY news!!! :D Anw, I cried agn when I read my previous post. Those hardships endured..
Okay..firstly, don't get too excited.. It's not about having a boyfriend..
Its about being in a new job. :)
God is really so AMAZING. He really heard my cry and has provided me a way of escape.
He gave me a job that is better than my previous job a thousand times better...and I can't help but to give Him my greatest praise :)
What I've been through these few mths were really amazing. The new company not only paid for my 2 mths notice period but they're offering at least 700 bucks more than my previous job's salary (prolly cause it's an MNC = BIG BIG BIG COMPANY) As a fresh diploma grad, I feel really honored.
I managed to free myself from all kinds of misery and pain. I'm able to let go of him in a pace so fast that I couldn't believe that I can actually do it. This is probably because being strong is the only option I have and so I know what is it like to be a strong individual. So yes, during this period, I feel stronger. Yes, I agree with what Kelly clarkson sings...What doesn't kills you makes you STRONGER, stand a lil taller, doesn't mean i'm lonely when I'm alone :) That really reflects my innerself a lot.
I've drown myself with loving friends, loving family, forming bonds with the younger peeps in my church, making new colleagues in my new workplace and shopping this period :) Leading my own carefree, single and AVAILABLE life :) WORTH IT!
Yet somehow...I feel still quite empty because I've yet to meet my Mr Right and I'm very eager to find out who is he. I've been looking at one of the S'pore Olympian a lot cause I guess he's really quite a handsome chap. But the next thing I know, he's alrdy attached :( And now I'm like super disappointed because almst all the guys that I found them good looking doesn't has a pretty looking gf... Which makes me really feel bad. At least they should get a better looking one so that I can feel better. I mean it SERIOUSLY.
I know I'm being mean and superficial...but yeah..it's just something that I don't get it or rather, can't get over it. Btw, I realized that a lot of hot girls doesn't have a hot bf too so those friendzoned guys can feel my pain too.
I really wish my Mr Right is damm good looking so that it's really super worthwhile waiting for him. Always wish my prince will be someone dat I can depend on forever. hehehe (Realized good looking guys is really very impt to me. Because I like to take pics so obviously those ridiculously photogenic guys will be ideal :D )
I hope in the future, things will look brighter.
Well, this month can be quite a happening month...
1) I'm really glad that I can go cycling with my good looking cousin :)
2) Going out with my besties! (Kimmy, Cheryl, Yin San and Mag)
3) I got a lot more opportunities to catch up with my EX-crush
4) Meeting new colleagues :)
5) bought MANY MANY awesome stuffs for myself
6) Get to play cards with many diff peeps
7) Bond with the younger peeps in my church
8) Play my super favorite sports with church peeps
9) catching movies and having lunch with my church peeps
It's such a wonderful thing to be in God's family. Blessed with so many loving friends. I could only embrace the wonderful moments spent.
Of course, my heart gets lifted up and feels more relaxed physically during this period.
So now, comes a new challenge!!!.. I'm starting my shift work tmr. And it's a 12 hours shift!!! goshhh.
Gotta prepare myself... the thought that my parents and bro aren't home makes me feels lonelier. And also, I'm been down with cough, diarrhea and stomach upset. So its like kinda sian. Wish someone could talk to me now..
Right..I shall just stop writing! gotta go alrdy peeps!
Sorry for the long post!
Bye readers! :)
I said in my previous post that if any sad things still persist, I wouldn't blog anymore. So that means that I'm now going to blog about my HAPPY news!!! :D Anw, I cried agn when I read my previous post. Those hardships endured..
Okay..firstly, don't get too excited.. It's not about having a boyfriend..
Its about being in a new job. :)
God is really so AMAZING. He really heard my cry and has provided me a way of escape.
He gave me a job that is better than my previous job a thousand times better...and I can't help but to give Him my greatest praise :)
What I've been through these few mths were really amazing. The new company not only paid for my 2 mths notice period but they're offering at least 700 bucks more than my previous job's salary (prolly cause it's an MNC = BIG BIG BIG COMPANY) As a fresh diploma grad, I feel really honored.
I managed to free myself from all kinds of misery and pain. I'm able to let go of him in a pace so fast that I couldn't believe that I can actually do it. This is probably because being strong is the only option I have and so I know what is it like to be a strong individual. So yes, during this period, I feel stronger. Yes, I agree with what Kelly clarkson sings...What doesn't kills you makes you STRONGER, stand a lil taller, doesn't mean i'm lonely when I'm alone :) That really reflects my innerself a lot.
I've drown myself with loving friends, loving family, forming bonds with the younger peeps in my church, making new colleagues in my new workplace and shopping this period :) Leading my own carefree, single and AVAILABLE life :) WORTH IT!
Yet somehow...I feel still quite empty because I've yet to meet my Mr Right and I'm very eager to find out who is he. I've been looking at one of the S'pore Olympian a lot cause I guess he's really quite a handsome chap. But the next thing I know, he's alrdy attached :( And now I'm like super disappointed because almst all the guys that I found them good looking doesn't has a pretty looking gf... Which makes me really feel bad. At least they should get a better looking one so that I can feel better. I mean it SERIOUSLY.
I know I'm being mean and superficial...but yeah..it's just something that I don't get it or rather, can't get over it. Btw, I realized that a lot of hot girls doesn't have a hot bf too so those friendzoned guys can feel my pain too.
I really wish my Mr Right is damm good looking so that it's really super worthwhile waiting for him. Always wish my prince will be someone dat I can depend on forever. hehehe (Realized good looking guys is really very impt to me. Because I like to take pics so obviously those ridiculously photogenic guys will be ideal :D )
I hope in the future, things will look brighter.
Well, this month can be quite a happening month...
1) I'm really glad that I can go cycling with my good looking cousin :)
2) Going out with my besties! (Kimmy, Cheryl, Yin San and Mag)
3) I got a lot more opportunities to catch up with my EX-crush
4) Meeting new colleagues :)
5) bought MANY MANY awesome stuffs for myself
6) Get to play cards with many diff peeps
7) Bond with the younger peeps in my church
8) Play my super favorite sports with church peeps
9) catching movies and having lunch with my church peeps
It's such a wonderful thing to be in God's family. Blessed with so many loving friends. I could only embrace the wonderful moments spent.
Of course, my heart gets lifted up and feels more relaxed physically during this period.
So now, comes a new challenge!!!.. I'm starting my shift work tmr. And it's a 12 hours shift!!! goshhh.
Gotta prepare myself... the thought that my parents and bro aren't home makes me feels lonelier. And also, I'm been down with cough, diarrhea and stomach upset. So its like kinda sian. Wish someone could talk to me now..
Right..I shall just stop writing! gotta go alrdy peeps!
Sorry for the long post!
Bye readers! :)
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