Give time some time to heal

Dear readers

Just about a month ago, I broke down again because I realized how much I wish he was the one with me, hanging out together and having fun. Telling myself that he's my entire forest and not just one tree.

But recently I realized that my heart starts to grow less fonder, not much pain and sour feelings. I realized that I couldn't forget about him. I know he still exists in my heart. However, I seems to be able to overcome this pain better..as though I don't feel it at all.

Sometimes this pain reminds me of the leg injury that my friend is currently having. He said that the pain is constantly there, and he's been bearing with the pain. It seems like he's used to the pain. Sometimes it hurts so much, but sometimes, it does hurts but not to the extend of breaking down (in tears). So I guess I'm used to the pain..

I just have to tell myself to give time some time to heal.
and also, to let go and let God.
To let go, so that God can do wonderful things in my life.
It's because of what I've been holding on to doesn't give Him a chance to change my life.
To put it in short..I've caused myself so much misery.
No wonder people always say that the biggest enemy is always self.
I couldn't agree more.

Bye Readers
(I hope you guys won't become like me one day. Rmb to let go and let God. He always have a better plan.)

Don't become a liar like me

Dear readers

Recently, I discovered something very very true about myself. I cannot deny that I don't love him anymore. This is the fact. My heart is close. Nobody can come in. Because my heart is too small..only can let him stay in it. I can't kick him out...Its really bad...It's like a habit to like him.

I thought I really am able to free myself and become an available person when I started my "stronger" post.. But I really couldn't do it, no matter how hard I've tried, I always ended up in that same place. Unknowingly, I am still waiting for a miracle to happen.

For the past few weeks, I just don't understand why one guy came after another, showing their interest to me. I gave them chance by meeting them up, hoping that I can meet someone who can help me to get over him. The first one got hurt by me...I lied to him saying that my intention was to be friends with him after he told me that he likes me and hope that he can find a gf like me. Well, my actual initial intention was actually to hope that he could be the one to get over my love because when he smiles, he does has the similar smile as my love. So I've actually found a shadow of ben. But I after a while, I realized I couldn't talk to him anymore. No matter what, he is not ben. He cannot be him and I don't like him at all. It'll be very unfair to him and I don't wanna carry on anymore. Thus, I've said hurtful things to him, hoping that he will leave me. And yeah, we stopped meeting and he has not text me soon after our second "date". I didn't regret what I've done. Because I know I don't like him at all as much as I want myself to.

The next guy..he's still whatsapping me. We haven't met. But he does wants me to be his gf. He doesn't have anything similar to ben. Just that he does quite meet my expectations. Cos I've been wanting to have someone who can play badminton well, and I realized that he's actually a 2nd runner up in his poly days. I always wanted someone who have a "police" background...be it NPCC or NS in police before..and he's actually frm police canine when he's in NS. He can play the guitar and kinda makes me laugh in his messages which the first one failed to do so quite badly. Well, he is a Christian too, just like the first one. But somehow I've a bad feeling about this guy.. I think and truly felt that my heart is unwilling to welcome him into my life..

At night, I still dream of ben. I still can't seem to stop viewing his facebook. I still think of him and miss him tons. I really really hope that he's right here with me.

When I realised he's back to UK, I can't stop crying myself to sleep. The tears...i couldn't stop them from flowing. I felt so miserable. Why does he have to go back the next day after my actual bdae? I kept asking. I can't even meet him before he left...

You know how happy I was when he came to my bdae party? How precious was that photo we took? The necklace that he and mel shared to give me? The card...the words he wrote I'd never forget. I can't...It's all so precious to me. Everything he said to me that night...I remembered. He looks really tired...from his eyes I can see some blood shots. and I really appreciate it that he came over. I had a time of my life. He was there when I had a time of my life. I wish time really stopped at that moment. I wish he could never step out of my house. I wish he can always sit next to me while watching the movie. I wish he's there. I wish he's here with me. I wish..I WISHED and still have been WISHING.

It's really very difficult to let another person in my life when I've met someone so perfect. My kind of perfect. It's really THATTTTT DIFFICULT. I've really TRIED and I'm TIRED of trying. No point..it's useless..

Back when before he goes UK, I kept singing, "Please don't be in love when someone else.Please don't have somebody waiting for you." But what's the point? He was already in love with someone else by then..just that I've failed to realize.

Time passed...but I didn't move on. I'm still at the point where I was in love.
Like a fool, waiting for you.
Like a fool, unable to let go.
I am a fool. Yes, I am a fool.
But you don't know..that I'm the one person in this world who loves you the most, willing to give up my life just for you.
I really will do so, if ever there's a chance for me to protect u with my life from all the dangers.
Because I'm a fool. A fool that u'll never know she's a fool.
A complete fool, who loves you with all her heart.
and because of this love, she's able to sing the love songs till she cries.
Because all the love songs that she sang, she was thinking of you.
Whether you want or do not want, know or do not know, you are the reason for her pain.
BUT, you're the only one who can make her smile so happily and genuinely because no one in this world can ever give her that feeling. NO ONE. 

What doesn't kills you makes you stronger

Dear Readers

I said in my previous post that if any sad things still persist, I wouldn't blog anymore. So that means that I'm now going to blog about my HAPPY news!!! :D Anw, I cried agn when I read my previous post. Those hardships endured..

Okay..firstly, don't get too excited.. It's not about having a boyfriend..
Its about being in a new job. :)

God is really so AMAZING. He really heard my cry and has provided me a way of escape.
He gave me a job that is better than my previous job a thousand times better...and I can't help but to give Him my greatest praise :)

What I've been through these few mths were really amazing. The new company not only paid for my 2 mths notice period but they're offering at least 700 bucks more than my previous job's salary (prolly cause it's an MNC = BIG BIG BIG COMPANY) As a fresh diploma grad, I feel really honored.

I managed to free myself from all kinds of misery and pain. I'm able to let go of him in a pace so fast that I couldn't believe that I can actually do it. This is probably because being strong is the only option I have and so I know what is it like to be a strong individual. So yes, during this period, I feel stronger. Yes, I agree with what Kelly clarkson sings...What doesn't kills you makes you STRONGER, stand a lil taller, doesn't mean i'm lonely when I'm alone :) That really reflects my innerself a lot.

I've drown myself with loving friends, loving family, forming bonds with the younger peeps in my church, making new colleagues in my new workplace and shopping this period :) Leading my own carefree, single and AVAILABLE life :) WORTH IT! 

Yet somehow...I feel still quite empty because I've yet to meet my Mr Right and I'm very eager to find out who is he. I've been looking at one of the S'pore Olympian a lot cause I guess he's really quite a handsome chap. But the next thing I know, he's alrdy attached :( And now I'm like super disappointed because almst all the guys that I found them good looking doesn't has a pretty looking gf... Which makes me really feel bad. At least they should get a better looking one so that I can feel better. I mean it SERIOUSLY.

I know I'm being mean and superficial...but yeah..it's just something that I don't get it or rather, can't get over it. Btw, I realized that a lot of hot girls doesn't have a hot bf too so those friendzoned guys can feel my pain too.

I really wish my Mr Right is damm good looking so that it's really super worthwhile waiting for him. Always wish my prince will be someone dat I can depend on forever. hehehe (Realized good looking guys is really very impt to me. Because I like to take pics so obviously those ridiculously photogenic guys will be ideal :D )

I hope in the future, things will look brighter.

Well, this month can be quite a happening month...
1) I'm really glad that I can go cycling with my good looking cousin :)
2) Going out with my besties! (Kimmy, Cheryl, Yin San and Mag)
3) I got a lot more opportunities to catch up with my EX-crush
4) Meeting new colleagues :)
5) bought MANY MANY awesome stuffs for myself
6) Get to play cards with many diff peeps
7) Bond with the younger peeps in my church
8) Play my super favorite sports with church peeps
9) catching movies and having lunch with my church peeps

It's such a wonderful thing to be in God's family. Blessed with so many loving friends. I could only embrace the wonderful moments spent.

Of course, my heart gets lifted up and feels more relaxed physically during this period.
So now, comes a new challenge!!!.. I'm starting my shift work tmr. And it's a 12 hours shift!!! goshhh.
Gotta prepare myself... the thought that my parents and bro aren't home makes me feels lonelier. And also, I'm been down with cough, diarrhea and stomach upset. So its like kinda sian. Wish someone could talk to me now..

Right..I shall just stop writing! gotta go alrdy peeps!
 Sorry for the long post!

Bye readers! :)

Too disappointed to utter any word

Dear readers,

If you've realized, I didn't post anything for several months.

During these few months other getting tortured by my workplace (overwhelming over loaded and overly stressed), the feeling of committing suicide grows stronger in each coming day.

It's not about the stressors or the physical health, but more towards the matters of the heart.

If you've read the previous posts all about my dying-to-see-him posts and missing-him-till-I-cry-myself-to-sleep-almst-every night, u'll understand why I wanted to end my life so much.

Yes, he's got a girlfriend. All my excitement about building up our friendship is gone. I really don't feel like doing anything else. I don't even want to talk to him as much as I wanted to. I felt so disappointed till I have no idea what am I suppose to say. Disappointed about myself to the point where I wished I could have taken chances to speak to him about it.

Worse thing is that I really don't know how to give up, how to let it go, and how to stop myself from liking him. I really don't know  how.

I don't know anything about his girlfriend. It's not even the dream girl that he talks about 2 yrs back..
She doesn't look attractive to me and I have no idea how they met each other. I only knew about their relationship when he's back in singapore for 2 weeks. I haven't even got a chance to say a singleword like hello to him when he's back. The nightmare came and it's still lingering in my mind.

I feel so frustrated till there's a point where I want to start a relationship with any of my suitors straightaway as long as I could find a tiny shadow of him, I'm willing to do it. But when I think back, I felt so stupid. I'll be just hurting people and myself. Anyway, that's just a thought.

Even when typing this post, I'm already crying. Why have my life been so hard on me this year? Do I really have to bear all the pain and challenges all at once??!

At first, it's just stress about my job. Then later it followed by the news that he's got a girlfriend. Next, the sudden death of Charlie (the dog = bestfriend that I've made during my days working in the hospital.). Then comes a huge conflict with my sister regarding her selfish-ness of not letting me to even have the access to sleep in my own bedroom when I'm almst dead from work. Also, the news of my bestie, Yin san. She'll be leaving Singapore soon in sept. She's the only one that I've talked to the most. The one who can make me laugh and feel so relaxed. I really can't bear for her to leave... sighs...Who am I going to speak to? I can't find any friends like her.. Lastly, it's about the uncertainties in life: Resigning my current job or to stay a bit longer? Job interview with Roche and results/notice aren't out. To study local or overseas? Which course and etc. All these little uncertainties ADDS up and have been torturing me slowly and unconsciously.

I'm really very tired of EVERYTHING. I really had this thought that I could just die and let my siblings take care of my parents. I have no strength to carry on. Everyone around me are falling sick, in pain etc. It's so hard on me. I really hope that one day..I don't have to deal with all these and a miracle would just happened and before I know it, i'm out of all this shit.

But of course, these are just part of life: SUFFERING stage. All good things comes to an end. And I believe so does all the bad things. I wouldn't take my life away so easily...Those are just extremes thoughts.

I'll continue to press on as long as I don't lose the meaning of life. Knowing that my parents loves me so deeply. I couldn't bear to leave them in pain if I ever commit suicide. That is certainly the worst outcome for all the parents in the world. This life is not just about myself..but also others around me..and it's about living for God (which I've not done so at all I guess).

Dear God,
I'm super sorry that I didn't do anything worthy for you. I've ruined my testimony in workplace by going there late, scolding the barking dogs, using vulgarities, cursing the rainy weather (which I can sleep till noon with that kinda weather without fans) and MC colleagues when I'm on my way to work.

The spirit has certainly quenched to the point where I've felt that it has left me for good. But of cos, I know that The Spirit will never leave me cos it's sealed in me.

I really pray that these sufferings will come to an end soon and it's not a beginning of something even more painful. I really can't take it anymore..Please God, I beg You to help me. I need a way of escape. My health is deteriorating and I'm sure You're aware of it. Of course I'm very thankful that I've grown, learnt and experienced so much during these 5 months. I'm glad and wanna thank You for keeping me safe and sound..

But dear Lord, please try to help me. Please.. I'm really tired emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I'm in fact at the mas-low's hierarchy lowest stage..cause I don't have a proper meal and rest MOST of the time. I really don't know how I managed to survive and tough it out.

In His most precious and worthy name I pray
Amen.

for the time being, i'll just press on till my final breath.

Goodbye readers
I guess this will be my final post..
(of cos if anything major happens, I'll continue to post)
but if sad news still persists, I wouldn't want you all to read it too..

Goodbye..

Since when was the last time we've chat

After so many months, there's not a single word from him.. I felt so depressed.. Cried at night, staring into spaces in the bus.. Being lonelier each day.

It was made worse with the job that I took up 2

Mths ago. I was thinking of leaving the job and look for a less demanding job. But I'm worried that the pay will be so much lower than the current one. Anyway, I really felt that my current job is really stressful as I have to do double roles. A recept and a pharmacy technician.

Well.. All I have to say is.. I'm still waiting for you.

Ever since u left, I've been dreaming that u were back. U seems to be hiding from me and things got awkward in my dreams. But I can feel that my heart really race each time u appeared. And when I realized that it was just a dream, I'm disappointed. Looking forward for ya to be back.

Countdown: 1 month 15 days

so it does really matters

BEJEWELED MANIAC

Just as I was about to post the picture shown below, I managed to score more 1,000,000 points!!! MY NEW RECORD!
















SEE THE AMOUNT OF COINS I HAVE...
Imagine if these coins are mine in reality.

Writing down the advice from whom I love

Being a nice person and being a godly person, it's just a line apart...
He shared this during YP's leader farewell bbq night...
It feels as though he just left last night..
*fond memories*