Don't become a liar like me

Dear readers

Recently, I discovered something very very true about myself. I cannot deny that I don't love him anymore. This is the fact. My heart is close. Nobody can come in. Because my heart is too small..only can let him stay in it. I can't kick him out...Its really bad...It's like a habit to like him.

I thought I really am able to free myself and become an available person when I started my "stronger" post.. But I really couldn't do it, no matter how hard I've tried, I always ended up in that same place. Unknowingly, I am still waiting for a miracle to happen.

For the past few weeks, I just don't understand why one guy came after another, showing their interest to me. I gave them chance by meeting them up, hoping that I can meet someone who can help me to get over him. The first one got hurt by me...I lied to him saying that my intention was to be friends with him after he told me that he likes me and hope that he can find a gf like me. Well, my actual initial intention was actually to hope that he could be the one to get over my love because when he smiles, he does has the similar smile as my love. So I've actually found a shadow of ben. But I after a while, I realized I couldn't talk to him anymore. No matter what, he is not ben. He cannot be him and I don't like him at all. It'll be very unfair to him and I don't wanna carry on anymore. Thus, I've said hurtful things to him, hoping that he will leave me. And yeah, we stopped meeting and he has not text me soon after our second "date". I didn't regret what I've done. Because I know I don't like him at all as much as I want myself to.

The next guy..he's still whatsapping me. We haven't met. But he does wants me to be his gf. He doesn't have anything similar to ben. Just that he does quite meet my expectations. Cos I've been wanting to have someone who can play badminton well, and I realized that he's actually a 2nd runner up in his poly days. I always wanted someone who have a "police" background...be it NPCC or NS in police before..and he's actually frm police canine when he's in NS. He can play the guitar and kinda makes me laugh in his messages which the first one failed to do so quite badly. Well, he is a Christian too, just like the first one. But somehow I've a bad feeling about this guy.. I think and truly felt that my heart is unwilling to welcome him into my life..

At night, I still dream of ben. I still can't seem to stop viewing his facebook. I still think of him and miss him tons. I really really hope that he's right here with me.

When I realised he's back to UK, I can't stop crying myself to sleep. The tears...i couldn't stop them from flowing. I felt so miserable. Why does he have to go back the next day after my actual bdae? I kept asking. I can't even meet him before he left...

You know how happy I was when he came to my bdae party? How precious was that photo we took? The necklace that he and mel shared to give me? The card...the words he wrote I'd never forget. I can't...It's all so precious to me. Everything he said to me that night...I remembered. He looks really tired...from his eyes I can see some blood shots. and I really appreciate it that he came over. I had a time of my life. He was there when I had a time of my life. I wish time really stopped at that moment. I wish he could never step out of my house. I wish he can always sit next to me while watching the movie. I wish he's there. I wish he's here with me. I wish..I WISHED and still have been WISHING.

It's really very difficult to let another person in my life when I've met someone so perfect. My kind of perfect. It's really THATTTTT DIFFICULT. I've really TRIED and I'm TIRED of trying. No point..it's useless..

Back when before he goes UK, I kept singing, "Please don't be in love when someone else.Please don't have somebody waiting for you." But what's the point? He was already in love with someone else by then..just that I've failed to realize.

Time passed...but I didn't move on. I'm still at the point where I was in love.
Like a fool, waiting for you.
Like a fool, unable to let go.
I am a fool. Yes, I am a fool.
But you don't know..that I'm the one person in this world who loves you the most, willing to give up my life just for you.
I really will do so, if ever there's a chance for me to protect u with my life from all the dangers.
Because I'm a fool. A fool that u'll never know she's a fool.
A complete fool, who loves you with all her heart.
and because of this love, she's able to sing the love songs till she cries.
Because all the love songs that she sang, she was thinking of you.
Whether you want or do not want, know or do not know, you are the reason for her pain.
BUT, you're the only one who can make her smile so happily and genuinely because no one in this world can ever give her that feeling. NO ONE.