To go for it or not to?

Decisions. Sometimes it's the most brain racking part when it comes to making a wise decison.
I can't pretend that I won't see it coming. Neither can I pretend that I don't see the signs that were made obvious to me.

This is the real challenge, a real test of faith and obedience set by the most high and mighty One.
I've tried so hard to sastify the thrist of love and romance by soughting him.. I've imagined the things we can do, show it off to my dear friends and suitors that it's time to give up and for them to move on cos I've found someone much better.

I can't deny the fact that I sort of know he's not the one I'm looking for. But I wanna give it a chance to grow. But by doing so, I'm putting myself in the risk of falling in love till I'm out of control.

I've once told Kim abt the level of love. It's like a multi layered ball..
The outer most layer defines my liking for a guy due to the outward qualities of a guy which meets my kind of standard. He must be at least taller den me, tan (which is dam important - cos it means that the guy always heads ouGtdoor. And cos I'm rather tan, so it'll be such a disgrace to stand beside someone who has better complexion and fairer den me), capable and smart - from good schs, good looking or appears cute at least to me, bonus: police background and able to cook.

This kind of liking is just superficial. It keeps my mind entertained with the thoughts of the person as and when. I may also imagine the stuffs we can do together and look for opportunities to further. I might even go and do something special to the person and have a very different approach to him. Cos he's considered in my dating option list. Eye candies are most likely to enter this stage.

The next layer - the middle layer defines my liking to that person to the point where I'd miss him so much and would try to keep in contact with him or appears whenever I know he'd be there too. I would cyber "stalk" to find out all the details and info I need to know abt him. I would even try talking to his circle of friends and make friends with them. I would try to even ask him out on one to one date because I'm just too attached to him mentally. He's in my heart and that's loving and no longer like. Sacrifices could be made unconsciously. Level of commitment becomes high. But will still give chances to those who are still in the dating option because things doesn't go well or didn't seem right.

One must possessed certain qualities and character in order for me to reach this layer. For e.g: interesting, funny, cool, charming, charitable, decisive and enchanting. That's the guy I've been hitting on lately. How soon he has alrdy reached this layer.

The core of layer / the innermost layer is the I-will-Ydie-for-Him and will make HUGEsacrifices
This is the most critical part. It suggest that that person I'm in love with has the potential to be my further partner and is my Mr Right. I cannot go wrong with him because I know whatever he possessed is all that I need and all I ever wanted. He's perfect to me and there's no second looking or thought about loving another person.  He certainly must be God-fearing, remarkable in His works and in the areas that he's responsibled for. In my whole lifetime till now, I've only had one person who made all the way up to this layer. He's ben.. The one I've fall in love so madly and badly. Hurt so much and even wanna take my life away becos I've lose it all when he's never mine to begin with.

Yes, I'm afraid. I am very afraid of what will be coming.. I don't know how to stop this urge.. But I do wanna see more from him. My desires are in conflict. I'm really confused..whether to go ahead or to let it go..

Right now, I still wanna keep holding on.. Because letting go should be the last option.. I don't wanna miss it agn. I don't wanna stop feeling nothing at all. My heart is telling me to go ahead, yet my mind says no becos he's not the right one and should stop pursing all those vain things - the illusive dream.