haven't even started, feels like its over

Dear readers

Have you ever felt this way before? Haven't started, but felt as though its alrdy over?

I thought I could really make it thru this time - which is preparing my heart for a new love, a new beginning.
But somehow things just doesn't fall in place. I'm very sure what kind of guy and standards I have, but I seems to be drifting away from the standards and just fall in love randomly with someone, perhaps a stranger to me still. I felt that as I start to want someone like this, I'm changing myself unknowingly to that kinda girl he probably wants me to be. Okay, just in case any of you didn't know what's going on, I've moved on from Ben. I started liking this cool dude that I've seen him once in my life before 10jan. He was sitting down with his grp of friends, so I didn't know he's actually quite short in stature at that point of time. I kinda start hitting on him by chatting him up on fb and suggest a dinner date. (FYI: It's definitely not my style of doing things k?)

It was quite disappointing for our first meet up. I thought things will advance more - get his number, get his family background, find out about his love advancements or history. It all didn't happened. I was dying to know, but I just felt it was too random to ask. Instead, I told him I ate shit before when I was young and he looked dam disgusted. He said that no guys' gona kiss you if u tell them dat. Gosh. I should've not blabber it. Now I know I'm not going to get any kiss from him. Damn it.

The whole dinner was like a chillax session - to him. But for me, I felt terribly self conscious and in a way stress. Cause I know he's observing me and I got feedbacks from him. And gosh, the way he eats the chicken totally feels makes him feels so hot. But to be true, I've got a mixed feelings. I felt that he's cute and cool, but..there's something that makes me feel like this is not the right guy. He's not at the same spiritual track as I do cause he said he does something which I feel its not okay. I mean I think that there's really a problem with it, and he's just enjoying it. And because of this, I don't know if I should carry on meeting him or I should just avoid him at all cost before things gets started and I'm starting to screw it up.

On the other hand, I can't seems to get my mind away from it - thinking about our first meet up, the stuffs I told him that made him smile so cutely, the things he said. Gosh, it's like he has cast a spell on me. Now it's 4.12am and I can't even sleep. All my mind was about him cos he appeared in my dreams for so many days ever since we've confirmed the dinner date. Gosh, It's dam scary. It starts to creep in and feel as though my soul would be devoured by him.

I'm really in a dilemma. I missed him but at the same time, knowing that I cannot be with him and the best way is to let go agn. I really don't want to do that, but I have to. So I guess I still can meet up with him, but really have to turn on the let-go-and-be-friends mindset/mode.

It really sucks isn't it? How great it'd be if he doesn't have that kinda lifestyle and mindset. and prolly if he's taller, it'd be perfect.

At this point of time, I couldn't help comparing with him and Ben. In a way, I still find Ben a perfect partner to be with the rest of my life. Although the feelings for Ben are almost gone but he's still my golden standard when looking for a partner. He's ever so flawless and perfect. I'm really jealous of his gf - able to spend her time with such perfect and awesome dude. I bet I can hardly sleep if I were her.

Anyway, it's so disappointing that I felt he's not really keen on me. There's a lot of things that a guy would do and say to a person he's interested in..but this dude, he didn't even hint. I guess it's a one-sided thing agn. which means all the pursuing have to be done by me in order to make this happen - which I can't cos I gotta let go. And if this drags on, he'd prolly be attached to somebody else like Ben because I didn't grab the opportunity. I'd miss this and be jealous, bitter and feel lousy if thats ever gona happen. That totally sucks. But I can kinda predict that this will most likely be happening unless miracle happens - we both like each other dam a lot until i can void his flaws or either he has changed to a upright and righteous young man...which I think there's only a 0.0000000000000001% chance of happening it.

Oh wells, I'll just leave it to the hands of God..I'm sure He has got better plans for me :)

Nights readers
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