sick and love sick

I'm currently feeling too depressed. Dunno why tears can just flow and flow and it's making me feeling so horrible around. Felt so sick and I cried when I'm home. I couldn't help myself stop having the feeling of neglection and unwanted. Its killing me to let myself know that I shouldn't pursue in someone who's isn't good to me even though he's such a perfect guy. It's pretty disappointing after comparing the things I've day-dreamed about and reality. It's such a huge disappointment. So disappointed in myself too...

I had the sudden urge to stop everything that I'm involved in. Piano lessons, choir prac, going to sch for lessons and all the other daily chores and FYP assignments. I want and I definitely need a break. A break from all the to-do-lists and from him.

Let me fly

Let me fly to the skies and pee.

Oh, when I said that, the guys behind me responded immediately, "EEEW!"
Both me and Yin San were just laughing our heads off.

I seemed to be a little strange. But I know what's going on exactly in my head.
People noticed. People asked.
I'm so frustrated with myself. Secret's no longer keeping. It's leaking like a broken cisterns.

Broken hearts, completely lost in thoughts of u.
Well, I admit ur smile does brightens up my day.
It's stucked to my head the whole day and I can't seem to get it off.
It's so hard not to think about it.
Hormones activated. WHOA

The way I hear from others, the more I'm assured of this one thing.
His love for me cannot be recipocrated, and my love for him cannot be recipocrated.
Sounds complicated right? That's just because there're both guys here.

I hope I wrong about this. Really, i'm not stupid. But I'm just not saying and asking to anyone..

Distance

so far away...so impossible
Hard to accept the fact
But it is like this.

Losing it all
Hope is vanquised
Losing sight of love
Don't want anymore

Is this even love?
No I don't think so.
Reality is always cruel
but it sometimes sweet, oh when?

Tired of waiting
I've been waiting
Nothing occurs,
only one sided

don't wana spend my whole life waiting,
for someone that I don't know whether he will be mine one day.

Can this feeling go away?
No one will really knows.
I just want to have you,
but seems impossible.

Totally distant
Totally un-loved
Inadequate; Insignificant
Let go, Let go...oh why can't I?

Getting bored.

Getting bored.. Sighs..

It's my problem again..
Why do you have to appear when she appear?

Why am I jealous over NOTHING.
I AM NOTHING.
SO I'M JEALOUS OVER MYSELF. ://

Okay lameeee...so bored mugging away. So bored doing work..

Miss you so much that I became insane.

Getting good:)

Hey readers! ;D

I'm all cheery!! But one thing I know is that my life is too surrounded with the"to-do list" and I seems to have a lot of things that I need to do that took out almost all my time on the things that I want to do.

My walk with the Lord wasn't going well, basically neglecting the Bible a lot, but I plan to start doing it consistently. For it is the will of God for me to set apart and be His special people and stay clear of fornication which simply means sexual immorality such as sexual sins etc. I'm quite inspired by Roy Hill for the learning points that he could draw from the bible. It's just a sentence, yet it can mean so much and impact to much. I hope that I can draw meaningful and applicable things from the Bible and remind myself how I ought to live my life pleasing to the Lord day by day.

Well, its been quite a trying day on thurs cos one of the gospel rally song items were hard!! we're split up to so many sections so my section only consist of 4 peeps? and the harmony is really hard. I can't seems to catch the harmony note...

But the main thing was that after play tchouball, my whole body was sore the next day. I can even lift up my thighs. It's horrible. The training was really challenging for a newbie like me. Passing the ball and trying to catch those strong incoming ball which frightens me everytime I try catching it...worrying it may land on my face and break my teeth.

So I don't really have much energy left on friday though I managed to have 8hrs of sleep. FYP was as usual. Ricardo always come late and he's in charge of blending stuffs, I'm the sia-kang warrior cum roll pearl machine, charmaine was the measuring babe, mervyn is the can-do everything person, basically taking pictures and boiling the pearls and jeremy is the half can do everything person and half sia-kang warrior. But I'm the hard core sia-kang warrior, certified by myself. :D

It's so great to have so much more interactions with him and I feel fine, but not perfectly fine..cos I know I'm no where holding any significant place in his heart. Well, just managed to be able to be more of myself when I know he's there. Not so much of trying to constraint myself.

I dreamt of him last night..I dreamt that he was really amazed by how well I can sight sing(oh by the way, he comes for choir practice too!so good right?) but when I start irritating him by drawing 3 dots on his white shoes with a blue ball point pen, he became so fierce! He shouted at me," STOP IT! ENOUGH ALREADY OKAY?!!" I remembered I feel really lousy and sad...
and even more sad when I heard his dreamgirl's mum telling me that he's such a good boy and just that her daughter don't know how to appreciate it and don't understand. and she continued and said, "Where to find such a nice boy, willing to wait until her daughter finished her academic work." I dreamt that when I've heard it, I was so hurt because he hasn't gave up on her.

What a bad dream isn't it? But I could feel that this dream can really happen in real life...like more realistic. Those dreams about he and me going to a far away land and really good stuffs isn't realistic at all. :(

Well, dreams are dreams. Forget it.

Saving money to watch kungfu panda 2 with my lovely sec school classmates this coming week! :) sighs, but still...got SUPER A LOT OF REVISION TO DO MANN! :((

BYE READERS! (: God bless ya all.

Stagnant

I was just pondering about this word.
Just this word alone, it can describes all my emotions and my "spiritual" condition.

Things hasn't been going well deep down in my heart.
That craving hasn't stopped when I said that's it.
So funny that it's just a several hours ago when I claimed that.
So funny that I still can't overcome it.

How funny it is. Laughs.

Where have you been? Where did you go? I waited, seems I care less...but dunno why..I just didn't want to look at you when I was a distance away. Why do I always do things the opposite when I see you around? Maybe, I'm just too tired to keep on pretending..But I guess as long as things are stagnant, I have to keep on pretending.

So now I'm always standing alone, in the crowded room...and we're not speaking at all.
It's killing me. But I know, it wasn't killing you at all.

That's it

That's it. No more please...Just no more..
No more second look at you.




The way I loved you...I always acted insane...I'm really not an insane person. I'm really not.