6 days of absence, 6 days worth of feelings

Hi readers,

This is a month full of happenings...
Experienced sweetness, warmth yet and the same time experienced bitterness, anguish..as though there was a lost of life.

Certainly, even though it was just an animal, but the ones that brought happiness to the house so much can never be forgotten. I'm sure a lot of you might be wondering what was I referring to..it's none than the sparrow called xiaoya.

Although I have never give an account of xiaoya in this blog, but the stories of xiaoya were mentioned among my friends. The stories of xiaoya eating durian, sleeping on my hand, telling about the food he eat, pecking on my hand until it bleeds, thinking that xiaoya was a mynah but it turns out to be a sparrow, flying to me when I called "ji ji ji" once I reached home, flying out of the house twice and my parents managed to find and get it back and of cos, how I've felt about that special bird.

Xiaoya was indeed a bird that brought so much happiness to the house through the good and bad times and he was like part of the family. A baby. Watching it growing up to be a grown up sparrow was truly a joy. This bird was friendly to strangers, allow them to gently stroke on him, feed him and even dares to sleep on a human's hand. I can never forget that he has such a warm body and I carried him to sleep with me. When xiaoya woke up from sleep, the first thing he will do is to stretch it's leg, den both it's wings and position himself to poop. So I always hurried myself to make xiaoya to stand on my fingers so that it can poop and drop on the floor or newspaper. :) Truly, Xiaoya is a bird that no other birds can replace him.

Xiaoya isn't a bird who doesn't fear anything. It fears darkness and BIG objects. So whenever we carry objects like bags with us, xiaoya quickly flew away to the high places like the curtains and clocks! :x

Xiaoya was a lonely bird...having no friends to play with him. But he still tries to make the effort to show us that he needed attention and love. So he plays with us, flying from hand to hand..cleaning it's beak on our hands, tidying up it's feathers on our hands, even pooped on our hands too :S

But somehow, I think that xiaoya is an attractive bird. It attracts other sparrows to fly into the house. Several times, I caught xiaoya flying with the sparrow and I keep calling "ji ji ji" and it flew back to the house agn.

However this time round, due to my carelessness and being soporific, xiaoya flew out of the house without me knowing. My mum was really upset and disappointed with me. And thus, I was known as useless the whole day.. This happened just before my birthday..
I couldn't believe and I went on shaking the beams, but xiaoya didn't come out. I was so worried.
I didn't get the anguish feeling yet until xiaoya was missing till night time. It broke and sours my heart to see my mum looking for xiaoya desperately, going up and down the stairs, and everywhere in the neighbourhood and kept calling, "ji ji ji!" It was worse that I saw her tears and worried face. She was depressed. She doesn't even feeling like going out nowadays..

However this incident does not kept me away from thinking of ben. I kept on waiting for his wishes to wish me happy birthday on facebook..it didn't happened. Not this yr, not last yr, not last last yr, not last last last yr.. I told myself to look forward to next yr..but I think it'll not likely happen that he'll wish me too..such simple words...I don't even deserve to receive it from him...

Argh well, although he's the major cause of my pain and depression, I don't intent to let this pain continue to pierce through my heart. I just hope that it stops right now..I'm just disappointed that he didn't even thought of me even during my birthday. The best remedy for now is that he'd think about me and lemme know that..or just a simple happy belated bdae wld be fine..

But it's okay..he's not a close friend or even a friend that I'd go to comfortably. Probably this is a sign that we're not meant to be..and my feelings are meant to be gone for good. just dunnoe why even with this in mind, i still keep on fixing my eyes on him.

My mind kept on going back to the night before he left...I keep on wandering whether he has received my msg to him before he left. My heart tells me that he did and didn't care to reply. My mind tells me that he didn't because I saw a picture of another phone in his fb pic with mor. Prolly he changed his number too.... Even had a nightmare on that night... well, I kept regretting in my heart that I didn't send him off..Just hate that scene...I'd prolly cry..I'd prolly be caught up in jealousy agn..seeing how he and his (ex)dreamgirl taking pics together and talking...I'd prolly be left out somewhere because he got so many people to talk to...and I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't be standing there to talk to me. Because even at his farewell gathering, he didn't approach me to talk about stuff..what's more when there's his (ex)dreamgirl around and other close friends? I'm just an extra..

Hate to be in this way but what else can I do but to tolerate...

Even though some things are not working out or going the way I wanted, but how often I hold on to it so tightly for the fact that I don't wanna lose it. But here's the point that I've realised that the more I cling to it, the more I find myself losing it. I've realised this fact for a long time...the time where I've decided to let go..how often I'm finding myself still holding tightly to it...I'm still unable to persuade myself to let go..and now...I'm finally losing it all...Such a consequence to bear..such grief..such misery...where's all my relationship with God? it's tarnished...ruin... I gained nothing..not even ben.

Bye readers