the most recent tears that i've shed

Dear readers

whoever u are who's reading this blog, i hope that you'll just understand me...

I'm feeling so heated up now..
I just feeling like scolding anybody who talks to me in a very loud tone.
I'm in a super bad mood.
Right now, I have a feeling of hatred.
In fact, very deep hatred.
I know i cant be feeling and thinking of hating that particular person, because it is wrong.
In fact the bible taught me that when anybody has an evil thought, he/she is already a murderer..

The person that I've hated right now is my mum.
She's the one that i've been putting on with today..

Even how tired I am after so many days of work, church, piano lessons, going out to get things and materials, going out with my friends to go for a job briefing, I still tell myself to bear with it and go work today. I was really exhausted..

The thing is today after work, I intended to go home. But I've never went out with chervin and yue fang before. So I suggested that we go to the nearest place, which is esplanade to hang out. After taking photos and talking about stuffs, Chervin suggested that we go to the singapore flyer there..the popeye, to have our dinner. I've been wanting to eat popeye!! So we went there and have loadds of fun talking about stuffs. I've really enjoyed myself much yea? But the thing was that my mum called me to reach home at 1030pm. I told her I'd be coming home and agreed. But I realised its impossible to reach home at that time. I was kinda anxious and keep holding the phone just in case she called me agn. Cos i'm kinda scared to miss her calls or it would offend her and make her angry. So when she called me agn, I explained and told her that its a long way to walk from singapore flyer all the walk to cityhall mrt and asked if she could spare me more time. Cos i hate to rush home everytime. I just wan to relax and walk home. (Everyday of my life i've been rushing. I rushed from place to place. I just wan to slow down my pace.) But she just dun understand, and cant even spare me more time. (I go work until so late, she wun mind. But when i go out with my friends, just talking and taking a long walk, she mind)

Anyway, we were really tired after we reached the cityhall mrt. one of us suggested that we take to marina bay and from there U-turn back so that we would have place to sit. So when i reached there, I called back home and told my dad that i'll be late and explained to him that becos we wan to have a seat and I apologised for not keeping my word and going home so late.

While I was walking home, I was kinda scared. cos the pathway and corridors were very quiet. And there's a guy wearing red shirt walking behind me. With fear and anxiety, I finally reached the doorsteps of my house. Who knows, my mum actually locked the whole dammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm DOOOOOOOOORRR! I waited outside and knocked the door until i'm really out of energy. and i felt really paiseh if i've disturbed my neighbours who were already asleep. What a day really...It's certainly not a happy birthday. but an upset badday. She opened the door and saw me crying. But she slamed the door agn after a few seconds but without locking the door this time. So when i was ready, I got up and opened the door. I've NO idea why must she be sooo strict. I've explained things to her b4 i reached home, but she insisted. She wants me to reach home early...and time just made it so impossible and stressful for me.

The whole of my life now had been rushing rushing and rushing..I started to ponder on what she said to me the past few weeks. She said that she has already given me much freedom and it's like giving me 85% out of 100% of freedom. At first, I felt that it was true. cos she would let me go work and sometimes let me hang around with my poly friends at causeway until 8+pm liddat. But it's not...she's still the same..

I'm feeling super rebellious now. I just felt lyk tearing her heart by disobeying what she wants me to do all the time. Like right now, i'm supposed to be in bed, but I just cant go to sleep without spurting out my agony.

I won't obey her unless she apologised to me. I'm not going to humble myself and give in to her lyk what i've did in the past. NO WAY!

i'm sorry Lord that i'm going to do this things.. I know it's certainly sinful of me to do it..
My reasons are not accepted and pleasing to You. But I just want to pray that You will open up my heart and work in me and my mum that we'll come to a situation whereby we would find each other's way of doing things agreeable asap. Amen.

bye readers