I haven't written such a crazy thing for a long time

Hey readers

Today's rj question is: if you are invisible for one day, what would you do?

I like what I've written down and I'm going to share with you all :) hahahhaa

hahaha! I think when my faccy reads this, she might be thinking that is another girl who write this. :p

That's all folks!!

In short

Giving up doesn't always mean that u're weak. Sometimes, it just mean that you're strong enough to let go. - Taylor Swift

Basically, this pic on the right is quite interesting.

Because so many people let go of their love, that's why love is in the air! hahahaha :)

Distorted. Full of lies

Hey readers

Apparently I felt so cheated by my own sis. I can't believe that all the while she's not a child of God. I tried to convince myself that she's not. But I really can't believe. She said she's not a genuine believer and in fact she doubted a lot of things that the scriptures says.

After all the heart-to-heart talk...here's the questions that she asked along (very thought-provoking):

1. Since none could explain how God can exist by Himself, why then believe that He existed?
2. and Since God can be existed by Himself, Man can likewise be self-existing. Why then think so much about who created the world and human? The world can exist by itself then.
3. What if there's no life after death and human can just disappear from this Earth.
4. What if there's no heaven or hell?

She claims that she attempted suscide cause she thinks that death is the best way to escape. She can just disappear from the world. It is just that it'll be painful for her love ones to take it.
She claims that love isn't everything. Hapiness is what she seeks.
She also claims that she has a rebellious character and she hates to follow God's command because she doesn't like to be changed by Someone.
She claims that each of us in the family is holding her back to pursue her hapiness.

I felt so unprepared when she questions and starts to claims these awful things. I can't imagine that she can pretend and acted godly throughout her past years in church. She did most of the things because she wanted to follow her crush's footsteps and not God's. I really doubt whether she has ever loves God. But actually, after much reflection, I felt that she had done something out of love and obeys God. She spread gospel to her close friend and when she tried to convinced God that only Jesus is the only way and what Jesus has done, she cried. How can all this then be a lie? It's so contradicting.

Right now, I can only be a blessing to her and don't give her any headaches. I know that God answers prayer and He alone can save her. I can't do it myself. All I ask for is my sis to be changed and know that hapiness isn't everything. It doesn't last as it makes a person pursue after it again and again. It's an endless pursuit and it's tiring pursuing that. So it doesn't brings an eternal sastifaction to anyone. Hapiness isn't eternal. It's different from joy peace and love. It doesn't bring contentment after you have achieved hapiness. You have to have true peace, LOVE and contentment to sastify the hunger of the soul. This peace is given by God and it's peace with God that brings about a calm and peaceful life. With Him, even if I have nothing in this world, I don't have to worry. He alone can provide.

I don't understand why my sis chose not to believe what she have believed before. Perhaps it's the questions that other non christians posted to her. So she doesn't have any answers to it and hence she chose to follow their ideas. Perhaps this is the evil one who's implanting the thoughts to her when she starts to reflect about life at the time she's going through all the sufferings and pain.

I just hope that one day, she'd realized that what the Bible says is true. God can provide and give what the world can't. Only one life will soon be passed. But only what's done for God will truly last.

Bye readers

It's not an illusion

My heart will let go your name.
These words I've held long, but I'll never mention them again.

Hey readers

There seems to be a lot of things to attend and fun events to go to.
There's a lot of chance to interact with him and to know him better.
But most of the time, I'm spending my time with others and having fun with them.
I don't know why, but I think I'm a boring girl....

Anyway, I'm not that hesistant in letting go... Sometimes I felt life is so funny. When I miss him like madness, nothing or no interactions happens.

But when I stop thinking about this in my head,
Please don't be in love with someone else,
Please don't have somebody waiting on you...

there're a lot of things worth thinking about,
Moments to be cherished, and remembered.

It's good that I start to feel numb now. At least it's less hurtful and save lotsa mental energy missing him.

Goodnight.

Still trying to fill that void with something?

Hey readers

I still get stubborn and really nasty! :O
I know exactly what I should fill that void with and I could get it if I would commit myself to the Lord. But here, I'm still long after that. IT'S SOOO LONG ALREADY. c'mon! It's really impossible when I think about the way he says things to me.

But I duno why even my heartaches, I still fall in love with him again and again.
I duno how am I suppose to achieve peace without contentment. U tell me how. tell me..

Oh well, It's so hard to get me started to devote my life to God. It's just so hard to be someone that I wanted to be in the back of my mind. I hope this desire will outgrow the eartly desire that I have. I pray that
God, You'll really help me to have this strong desire to want to have a strong relationship with u despite the odds that I am facing. Encourage me to think of eternal value. Instead of just wanting to have my love being reciprocrated by that guy You know. In the most precious name of my Lord and Saviour Jesus name, AMEN.

Anw, some nice things really happened! I wasn't troubled already! It's funny that my friend's and my assumptions were wrong!!! The other guy didn't like me!! YAY!!! :DD For a moment I was still worried. but now, IT'S FINE! I'M FREEEEEE!! yes yes yes! :)

Today was quite a nice day actually. I dunno why but I think I really hope that he was him. Such a close interaction with church guys don't usually happens. But since last year, I had a lot of interaction with him and not the guy I like. I felt like I'm a baby, still need to take a nap and whine and gives sulky faces to sucky comments. That guy that I like always gives sucky comments and I always gives sulky face to him. Seriously, does he always have to keep "suaning" me and say things that makes me wanna strangle him on the spot?!? :O I pushed him when he suan-ed me about thinking that I am laughing because I think I am funny. What?! Can't I laugh?! AND, does he always have to say that I'm always like that? Somemore still say I'm NEAR PSYCHOTIC. C'mon, I'm so gonna take health psychology for my next module and give him a 24hour lecture on what's psychotic and what's crazy (like a comparison) and what are the factors to consider before saying or judging that a person is psychotic. LIKE SERIOUSLY!!!!!

Okay, stop. I think this is getting way too far. Perhaps he said it jokingly just to play along uh. When I revealed the Juicy news to him about me, having 2 "girlfriends" and showed him the picture, he first said, "but this picture looks good" and later he said this which I think was reallly reallllly funny: "Yeah, this one is more like the juice squeeze out until no more already". HAHAHA!
Anw, in the back of my mind when he asked whether I got any juicy new, I was saying this in my mind, "I love you ever since 2 years ago. And even till now, I still love you." BUT instead of saying this to him, I said, " ahhaha! I've got no juicy news leh. Because I've got no juice and I've got no news!!" And he was like..."mmmm, OKAY???" I cried in my heart in the bus when I left. I wanted to say this to him, " you know, I love you so much that I've acted insane. That's how much I've done just to hide the feelings away from u. So that u don't know what you don't know." U know how sad I was when I actually have to say this bravely that, "never mind. I can be a happy single. Self-entertain. HAHAHAH." U know the silent cries in my heart? U don't know. and so many many things that I've to fake it out, let u see that I'm fine and I-don't-need-you, and I-don't-really-care-about-you actions. I am SO FAKE. I really can get oscar award pretending that I don't like you man. Act and act. Sick of acting when I see u.

But I also can't imagine myself woo-ing him and smiling at him sweetly and all. I can't actually do that so much as I hope that there's chance. I rather be insane in this way den being insane in that way. Because both ways are insane!

Gosh, I've cried so much...I don't how..but I shall stay calm den.

Bye readers

I CAN BEAT THAT LONELINESS

hey readers

U see, I can beat that loneliness.
It's so frustrating that I always have this empty feeling around.
Perhaps I'm demanding too much from God.
I don't wanna listen to Him.
I'm so disappointed with myself when I ponder about my weeks.
Where have I placed God in my heart?

Seriously, I don't think I love Him at all.
I don't even think about Him when I'm going through my weeks with problems.
I only had my routine prayers and seek His blessings before starting on my papers.
He seems to be the One that I'm using it as a tool when I'm suppose to be His tool.

After a while, I realised that the word Contentment, comes only with a good solid relationship with God. I seemed to stray often about how I look and my hair and my face and I complained in my heart for the way I look and often hope that I have long skinny legs, smaller butt, fairer skin, sharper nose, and NO PANDA EYES..

But I remembered about those words that Aunty Swee Choo says.
She said that no cosmetic is able to bottle up "Purity". This purity from the heart. Emotional purity. Not emotionally attached. Not pretending away. This purity gives true radiant. It glows out from the heart.

Therefore I seek this purity now. It's a good weapon to battle against loneliness.
I hope I can get away with this.

Seriously, when I speak to my friends about him, a lot of things that they said dissuade me to pursue that one-sided love. :) Like opening up to my heart to other people too instead of limiting to him.

I realised that this dissuation doesn't work at all. But I took this as a sign or answer from God about my current situation.

sighs. It seems so distance these days even those I sacrificed my rest time for the parties. I seriously need to stop going to places with ulterior motives. It's so sickening and irritating by the nagging feelings ....keep telling me that I did this wasn't wrong because he's going off so soon. In fact, it's just 2 days before my birthday. :((((((((((((((( because I felt that I need more interactions with him and see him more often because I know I don't have the chance to do this kinda of thing or attend this kinda of events with him around for the next 3-4 years. It's irresistable. But I regretted almost everytime when I have interactions with him because it's not sastifying at all. It's not wad I wanted. I wanted a closer talk. not some boring talk or just less-den-1-minute talk. :(

And you know what? It seems like he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me. Probably I'm just too tense...my guard's up. :(

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHESSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH.

Need to relax uh.

Bye readers.

sick and love sick

I'm currently feeling too depressed. Dunno why tears can just flow and flow and it's making me feeling so horrible around. Felt so sick and I cried when I'm home. I couldn't help myself stop having the feeling of neglection and unwanted. Its killing me to let myself know that I shouldn't pursue in someone who's isn't good to me even though he's such a perfect guy. It's pretty disappointing after comparing the things I've day-dreamed about and reality. It's such a huge disappointment. So disappointed in myself too...

I had the sudden urge to stop everything that I'm involved in. Piano lessons, choir prac, going to sch for lessons and all the other daily chores and FYP assignments. I want and I definitely need a break. A break from all the to-do-lists and from him.