Still trying to fill that void with something?

Hey readers

I still get stubborn and really nasty! :O
I know exactly what I should fill that void with and I could get it if I would commit myself to the Lord. But here, I'm still long after that. IT'S SOOO LONG ALREADY. c'mon! It's really impossible when I think about the way he says things to me.

But I duno why even my heartaches, I still fall in love with him again and again.
I duno how am I suppose to achieve peace without contentment. U tell me how. tell me..

Oh well, It's so hard to get me started to devote my life to God. It's just so hard to be someone that I wanted to be in the back of my mind. I hope this desire will outgrow the eartly desire that I have. I pray that
God, You'll really help me to have this strong desire to want to have a strong relationship with u despite the odds that I am facing. Encourage me to think of eternal value. Instead of just wanting to have my love being reciprocrated by that guy You know. In the most precious name of my Lord and Saviour Jesus name, AMEN.

Anw, some nice things really happened! I wasn't troubled already! It's funny that my friend's and my assumptions were wrong!!! The other guy didn't like me!! YAY!!! :DD For a moment I was still worried. but now, IT'S FINE! I'M FREEEEEE!! yes yes yes! :)

Today was quite a nice day actually. I dunno why but I think I really hope that he was him. Such a close interaction with church guys don't usually happens. But since last year, I had a lot of interaction with him and not the guy I like. I felt like I'm a baby, still need to take a nap and whine and gives sulky faces to sucky comments. That guy that I like always gives sucky comments and I always gives sulky face to him. Seriously, does he always have to keep "suaning" me and say things that makes me wanna strangle him on the spot?!? :O I pushed him when he suan-ed me about thinking that I am laughing because I think I am funny. What?! Can't I laugh?! AND, does he always have to say that I'm always like that? Somemore still say I'm NEAR PSYCHOTIC. C'mon, I'm so gonna take health psychology for my next module and give him a 24hour lecture on what's psychotic and what's crazy (like a comparison) and what are the factors to consider before saying or judging that a person is psychotic. LIKE SERIOUSLY!!!!!

Okay, stop. I think this is getting way too far. Perhaps he said it jokingly just to play along uh. When I revealed the Juicy news to him about me, having 2 "girlfriends" and showed him the picture, he first said, "but this picture looks good" and later he said this which I think was reallly reallllly funny: "Yeah, this one is more like the juice squeeze out until no more already". HAHAHA!
Anw, in the back of my mind when he asked whether I got any juicy new, I was saying this in my mind, "I love you ever since 2 years ago. And even till now, I still love you." BUT instead of saying this to him, I said, " ahhaha! I've got no juicy news leh. Because I've got no juice and I've got no news!!" And he was like..."mmmm, OKAY???" I cried in my heart in the bus when I left. I wanted to say this to him, " you know, I love you so much that I've acted insane. That's how much I've done just to hide the feelings away from u. So that u don't know what you don't know." U know how sad I was when I actually have to say this bravely that, "never mind. I can be a happy single. Self-entertain. HAHAHAH." U know the silent cries in my heart? U don't know. and so many many things that I've to fake it out, let u see that I'm fine and I-don't-need-you, and I-don't-really-care-about-you actions. I am SO FAKE. I really can get oscar award pretending that I don't like you man. Act and act. Sick of acting when I see u.

But I also can't imagine myself woo-ing him and smiling at him sweetly and all. I can't actually do that so much as I hope that there's chance. I rather be insane in this way den being insane in that way. Because both ways are insane!

Gosh, I've cried so much...I don't how..but I shall stay calm den.

Bye readers

I CAN BEAT THAT LONELINESS

hey readers

U see, I can beat that loneliness.
It's so frustrating that I always have this empty feeling around.
Perhaps I'm demanding too much from God.
I don't wanna listen to Him.
I'm so disappointed with myself when I ponder about my weeks.
Where have I placed God in my heart?

Seriously, I don't think I love Him at all.
I don't even think about Him when I'm going through my weeks with problems.
I only had my routine prayers and seek His blessings before starting on my papers.
He seems to be the One that I'm using it as a tool when I'm suppose to be His tool.

After a while, I realised that the word Contentment, comes only with a good solid relationship with God. I seemed to stray often about how I look and my hair and my face and I complained in my heart for the way I look and often hope that I have long skinny legs, smaller butt, fairer skin, sharper nose, and NO PANDA EYES..

But I remembered about those words that Aunty Swee Choo says.
She said that no cosmetic is able to bottle up "Purity". This purity from the heart. Emotional purity. Not emotionally attached. Not pretending away. This purity gives true radiant. It glows out from the heart.

Therefore I seek this purity now. It's a good weapon to battle against loneliness.
I hope I can get away with this.

Seriously, when I speak to my friends about him, a lot of things that they said dissuade me to pursue that one-sided love. :) Like opening up to my heart to other people too instead of limiting to him.

I realised that this dissuation doesn't work at all. But I took this as a sign or answer from God about my current situation.

sighs. It seems so distance these days even those I sacrificed my rest time for the parties. I seriously need to stop going to places with ulterior motives. It's so sickening and irritating by the nagging feelings ....keep telling me that I did this wasn't wrong because he's going off so soon. In fact, it's just 2 days before my birthday. :((((((((((((((( because I felt that I need more interactions with him and see him more often because I know I don't have the chance to do this kinda of thing or attend this kinda of events with him around for the next 3-4 years. It's irresistable. But I regretted almost everytime when I have interactions with him because it's not sastifying at all. It's not wad I wanted. I wanted a closer talk. not some boring talk or just less-den-1-minute talk. :(

And you know what? It seems like he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me. Probably I'm just too tense...my guard's up. :(

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHESSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH.

Need to relax uh.

Bye readers.

sick and love sick

I'm currently feeling too depressed. Dunno why tears can just flow and flow and it's making me feeling so horrible around. Felt so sick and I cried when I'm home. I couldn't help myself stop having the feeling of neglection and unwanted. Its killing me to let myself know that I shouldn't pursue in someone who's isn't good to me even though he's such a perfect guy. It's pretty disappointing after comparing the things I've day-dreamed about and reality. It's such a huge disappointment. So disappointed in myself too...

I had the sudden urge to stop everything that I'm involved in. Piano lessons, choir prac, going to sch for lessons and all the other daily chores and FYP assignments. I want and I definitely need a break. A break from all the to-do-lists and from him.

Let me fly

Let me fly to the skies and pee.

Oh, when I said that, the guys behind me responded immediately, "EEEW!"
Both me and Yin San were just laughing our heads off.

I seemed to be a little strange. But I know what's going on exactly in my head.
People noticed. People asked.
I'm so frustrated with myself. Secret's no longer keeping. It's leaking like a broken cisterns.

Broken hearts, completely lost in thoughts of u.
Well, I admit ur smile does brightens up my day.
It's stucked to my head the whole day and I can't seem to get it off.
It's so hard not to think about it.
Hormones activated. WHOA

The way I hear from others, the more I'm assured of this one thing.
His love for me cannot be recipocrated, and my love for him cannot be recipocrated.
Sounds complicated right? That's just because there're both guys here.

I hope I wrong about this. Really, i'm not stupid. But I'm just not saying and asking to anyone..

Distance

so far away...so impossible
Hard to accept the fact
But it is like this.

Losing it all
Hope is vanquised
Losing sight of love
Don't want anymore

Is this even love?
No I don't think so.
Reality is always cruel
but it sometimes sweet, oh when?

Tired of waiting
I've been waiting
Nothing occurs,
only one sided

don't wana spend my whole life waiting,
for someone that I don't know whether he will be mine one day.

Can this feeling go away?
No one will really knows.
I just want to have you,
but seems impossible.

Totally distant
Totally un-loved
Inadequate; Insignificant
Let go, Let go...oh why can't I?

Getting bored.

Getting bored.. Sighs..

It's my problem again..
Why do you have to appear when she appear?

Why am I jealous over NOTHING.
I AM NOTHING.
SO I'M JEALOUS OVER MYSELF. ://

Okay lameeee...so bored mugging away. So bored doing work..

Miss you so much that I became insane.

Getting good:)

Hey readers! ;D

I'm all cheery!! But one thing I know is that my life is too surrounded with the"to-do list" and I seems to have a lot of things that I need to do that took out almost all my time on the things that I want to do.

My walk with the Lord wasn't going well, basically neglecting the Bible a lot, but I plan to start doing it consistently. For it is the will of God for me to set apart and be His special people and stay clear of fornication which simply means sexual immorality such as sexual sins etc. I'm quite inspired by Roy Hill for the learning points that he could draw from the bible. It's just a sentence, yet it can mean so much and impact to much. I hope that I can draw meaningful and applicable things from the Bible and remind myself how I ought to live my life pleasing to the Lord day by day.

Well, its been quite a trying day on thurs cos one of the gospel rally song items were hard!! we're split up to so many sections so my section only consist of 4 peeps? and the harmony is really hard. I can't seems to catch the harmony note...

But the main thing was that after play tchouball, my whole body was sore the next day. I can even lift up my thighs. It's horrible. The training was really challenging for a newbie like me. Passing the ball and trying to catch those strong incoming ball which frightens me everytime I try catching it...worrying it may land on my face and break my teeth.

So I don't really have much energy left on friday though I managed to have 8hrs of sleep. FYP was as usual. Ricardo always come late and he's in charge of blending stuffs, I'm the sia-kang warrior cum roll pearl machine, charmaine was the measuring babe, mervyn is the can-do everything person, basically taking pictures and boiling the pearls and jeremy is the half can do everything person and half sia-kang warrior. But I'm the hard core sia-kang warrior, certified by myself. :D

It's so great to have so much more interactions with him and I feel fine, but not perfectly fine..cos I know I'm no where holding any significant place in his heart. Well, just managed to be able to be more of myself when I know he's there. Not so much of trying to constraint myself.

I dreamt of him last night..I dreamt that he was really amazed by how well I can sight sing(oh by the way, he comes for choir practice too!so good right?) but when I start irritating him by drawing 3 dots on his white shoes with a blue ball point pen, he became so fierce! He shouted at me," STOP IT! ENOUGH ALREADY OKAY?!!" I remembered I feel really lousy and sad...
and even more sad when I heard his dreamgirl's mum telling me that he's such a good boy and just that her daughter don't know how to appreciate it and don't understand. and she continued and said, "Where to find such a nice boy, willing to wait until her daughter finished her academic work." I dreamt that when I've heard it, I was so hurt because he hasn't gave up on her.

What a bad dream isn't it? But I could feel that this dream can really happen in real life...like more realistic. Those dreams about he and me going to a far away land and really good stuffs isn't realistic at all. :(

Well, dreams are dreams. Forget it.

Saving money to watch kungfu panda 2 with my lovely sec school classmates this coming week! :) sighs, but still...got SUPER A LOT OF REVISION TO DO MANN! :((

BYE READERS! (: God bless ya all.