Too disappointed to utter any word

Dear readers,

If you've realized, I didn't post anything for several months.

During these few months other getting tortured by my workplace (overwhelming over loaded and overly stressed), the feeling of committing suicide grows stronger in each coming day.

It's not about the stressors or the physical health, but more towards the matters of the heart.

If you've read the previous posts all about my dying-to-see-him posts and missing-him-till-I-cry-myself-to-sleep-almst-every night, u'll understand why I wanted to end my life so much.

Yes, he's got a girlfriend. All my excitement about building up our friendship is gone. I really don't feel like doing anything else. I don't even want to talk to him as much as I wanted to. I felt so disappointed till I have no idea what am I suppose to say. Disappointed about myself to the point where I wished I could have taken chances to speak to him about it.

Worse thing is that I really don't know how to give up, how to let it go, and how to stop myself from liking him. I really don't know  how.

I don't know anything about his girlfriend. It's not even the dream girl that he talks about 2 yrs back..
She doesn't look attractive to me and I have no idea how they met each other. I only knew about their relationship when he's back in singapore for 2 weeks. I haven't even got a chance to say a singleword like hello to him when he's back. The nightmare came and it's still lingering in my mind.

I feel so frustrated till there's a point where I want to start a relationship with any of my suitors straightaway as long as I could find a tiny shadow of him, I'm willing to do it. But when I think back, I felt so stupid. I'll be just hurting people and myself. Anyway, that's just a thought.

Even when typing this post, I'm already crying. Why have my life been so hard on me this year? Do I really have to bear all the pain and challenges all at once??!

At first, it's just stress about my job. Then later it followed by the news that he's got a girlfriend. Next, the sudden death of Charlie (the dog = bestfriend that I've made during my days working in the hospital.). Then comes a huge conflict with my sister regarding her selfish-ness of not letting me to even have the access to sleep in my own bedroom when I'm almst dead from work. Also, the news of my bestie, Yin san. She'll be leaving Singapore soon in sept. She's the only one that I've talked to the most. The one who can make me laugh and feel so relaxed. I really can't bear for her to leave... sighs...Who am I going to speak to? I can't find any friends like her.. Lastly, it's about the uncertainties in life: Resigning my current job or to stay a bit longer? Job interview with Roche and results/notice aren't out. To study local or overseas? Which course and etc. All these little uncertainties ADDS up and have been torturing me slowly and unconsciously.

I'm really very tired of EVERYTHING. I really had this thought that I could just die and let my siblings take care of my parents. I have no strength to carry on. Everyone around me are falling sick, in pain etc. It's so hard on me. I really hope that one day..I don't have to deal with all these and a miracle would just happened and before I know it, i'm out of all this shit.

But of course, these are just part of life: SUFFERING stage. All good things comes to an end. And I believe so does all the bad things. I wouldn't take my life away so easily...Those are just extremes thoughts.

I'll continue to press on as long as I don't lose the meaning of life. Knowing that my parents loves me so deeply. I couldn't bear to leave them in pain if I ever commit suicide. That is certainly the worst outcome for all the parents in the world. This life is not just about myself..but also others around me..and it's about living for God (which I've not done so at all I guess).

Dear God,
I'm super sorry that I didn't do anything worthy for you. I've ruined my testimony in workplace by going there late, scolding the barking dogs, using vulgarities, cursing the rainy weather (which I can sleep till noon with that kinda weather without fans) and MC colleagues when I'm on my way to work.

The spirit has certainly quenched to the point where I've felt that it has left me for good. But of cos, I know that The Spirit will never leave me cos it's sealed in me.

I really pray that these sufferings will come to an end soon and it's not a beginning of something even more painful. I really can't take it anymore..Please God, I beg You to help me. I need a way of escape. My health is deteriorating and I'm sure You're aware of it. Of course I'm very thankful that I've grown, learnt and experienced so much during these 5 months. I'm glad and wanna thank You for keeping me safe and sound..

But dear Lord, please try to help me. Please.. I'm really tired emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I'm in fact at the mas-low's hierarchy lowest stage..cause I don't have a proper meal and rest MOST of the time. I really don't know how I managed to survive and tough it out.

In His most precious and worthy name I pray
Amen.

for the time being, i'll just press on till my final breath.

Goodbye readers
I guess this will be my final post..
(of cos if anything major happens, I'll continue to post)
but if sad news still persists, I wouldn't want you all to read it too..

Goodbye..